I've never been too huge on the opinion of people who I barely know. To be clear, I have the personality type that likes a lot of opinions, ultimately making my own decision but liking the large opinion base anyway (if given in a way that I find receivable). I never really thought much about that until someone told me that I don't seem like the kind of person who cares much about what someones opinion is of me. That statement made me feel like I have grown more than I realized. I guess we are all young and impressionable but I was like jello. No backbone, no strict opinions, and a variety of friend groups I fit into (even though I did stick to my main group).
Having said that...
People have been downright rude to me thus far in my pregnancy, and I have never been more nervous of retaliation from people in my life. Even writing this, a blog I promised myself to try to periodically update because pregnancy is a huge unexpected magical gift to me, gives me anxiety because people have been so critical. Pregnancy has not been nice to me. It has not been rainbows. I do not feel like I can take on the world. You would think that wouldn't be such a bad thing to admit, but at 14 weeks pregnant, I have been sick close to the entire time (since finding out I was pregnant). At first, I though I was just not handling 'morning sickness' well and needed to find a good balance, a good food to start keeping things down, good sleeping routine, etc. Now that I've been getting some support from some fantastic moms I am friends with or have become more acquainted with, I can tell you what I've experienced wasn't just morning sickness. And the comments I've gotten helped me figure that out pretty quickly...
Yes I'm 'still sick'. Yes I'm sure. Thank you for telling me I look awful. Yes I have tried ginger ale and crackers. Thank you for telling me I am taking it worse than (insert your female family member here) and you thought she took it pretty bad. I'm sorry I'm not able to suck this up, even though you know lots of girls who can. Yes, I do know I'm being 'overly' cautious. Yes I did talk to my doctor to be sure the medication she prescribed me is safe. Yes it is necessary. Yes I'm sure. By the way that med is the ONLY reason I've stopped losing weight and gained some semblance of a normal life back.
We come from a society where you're supposed to fit into this box of normalcy. I haven't enjoyed my pregnancy thus far. There. I said it. And while I am confident that the 2nd trimester I'm now into will be better to me, I shouldn't have to feel ashamed when someone asks me how I like it so far and I don't have this 'rainbows and sunshine' response. Do not get what I'm saying confused. I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive. I knew going into this my pregnancy would be unusual. I also know there are people dying to experience this who never can and I am not taking a day of this for granted, good and bad. It will be worth it. But sometimes it seems unnecessary to be as critical as we are. Your whole body is changing, hormones included, and when you mix in perpetual flu-like symptoms, dehydration, weight loss, and this overwhelming fatigue--it takes a toll on your system. That's not meant to gain sympathy. I said I knew it would be an adventure--just maybe some empathy. A minute to realize that no two people are the same and some people never get sick at all during their pregnancy-- but for myself and a few other gals that is not the case.
I want to be clear that I cannot wait to find out the gender, to decorate, to celebrate this little life growing in my belly. I can't wait to start a family with Bryan. He is the most creative, fun-loving person I have ever met and he will make such a great dad that I can't even write this without tears coming to my eyes. Our little meatball will have a beautiful life and these past 3 months will be just a little blurb in a blog before I know it--but it needs to be out there because I need to remember that its okay to not be the same as everyone else.
Amanda, I hope that someday soon you begin to feel better. In the mean time I just wanted to say that I HATED PREGNANCY!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and feel that the pregnancies were worth it for sure, but I am not ashamed to admit that pregnancy sucked for me and if I could have gone to a deli and simply picked one out I would have. That being said, I would have done it again in order to have a third child if I didn't need a hysterectomy. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy dear, you are wonderful and are going to be a great mommy. I know how excited you are to have this gift... not having an easy pregnancy does not make that any less true. You've got people in your corner, xoxo
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