It's not goodbye, it's see ya later.

"Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul. And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know".

- --RIP Lindsay

 

Did you ever meet someone who knocks you on your ass--makes you realize how wrong you've been seeing things?  How little the things that pained you really are?  How about meeting someone who can capture a room unintentionally, even if that's the last thing they'd want to do, because they're so genuine you can't help but be curious about them.  Have you ever been truly inspired by someone smiling in the face of adversity?  How about all of these things in one, incredible person... 

Lindsay... my heart breaks at all you won't get to experience. And while I try to take comfort in the fact that you aren't suffering or struggling, I can't help but feel bitter.  You fought so hard and there is so much I wanted you to have, so much you deserved. I find it so incredible how you'd say that "you have sarcoma, sarcoma doesn't have you".  You used your battle to educate, inform, inspire.  You rarely said a complaint.  I won't pretend that we shared a lifetime of friendship, or that I knew her the best.  She had lifelong friends, people who spent their whole life with her.  I will say, that Lindsay was the kind of friend you didn't need to know long to appreciate.  Though our friendship spanned over a few years, it was easy to say she was someone who knew my secrets, fears, and hopes. I was lucky enough that she shared some of hers with me as well.   Death torments your brain, though about things you never said and experiences you wish you'd shared.  

I went through tons of pictures and videos this week.  It made me laugh to think about our trip to South Carolina and the number of times you had to stop to pee...you'd shout "I only have one kidney!" In your defense, West Virginia is a terribly long state to drive through.    I will always picture you there--happy, full of life, taking in the sunshine and letting me snap silly photos in the pool.  Thank you for teaching me to accept only the things you fully deserve in life, and to fight against the things you know better than to settle on.  Thank you for teaching me true compassion and acceptance.  Thank you for the nights in singing "Push It" and "Gold Digger" obnoxiously in your living room and skype dates for no reason at all.   For the nights exchanging music we were in love with and being the best date a girl could ask for when a guy just wouldn't cut it.  I am eternally grateful to have known such a loyal, incredible soul.