Hello, dears. Haven't had the guts to write about some of the stuff going on in my head lately. And before you go finger wagging at me, that's not suicidal. That means it seemed 'poor me' which is something I've been working toward staying far, far away from.
It's almost comforting to know that there are some illusions in life or things that never make sense. I won't ever understand why I can't sleep with socks on, or how I could possibly be cold all day and suddenly my body becomes a furnace in bed. I don't understand the significance of this reoccurring dream that I don't recognize a single person in, why I let such small things take up so much space in my head, or why I spent years of my life being angry at people for letting me down when it turns out I had all the signs coming. What I do know is that life is giving me a second chance to see things differently, and I am taking lots of quiet time to process what that means.
I grew up in an unorthodox home--it wasn't bad, just different. Without airing much that doesn't need explaining, my mom has a mental illness--and although she beats herself up all the time for not being 'normal' I've learned more from her than she will every give herself credit for. I rarely, if ever, hold grudges. I remember to count my blessings. I give way more hugs than people are usually comfortable with. I know how to say I'm sorry (my boyfriend says too well). My dad says very little, which makes the things he says very significant. He's the hardest worker I've EVER met in my life, and takes honestly what seems like no time to himself. I came full circle at how lucky I am to have what I have, and learned a long time ago that the grass on the other side is only greener because that person has had their own shit to deal with, and they used it wisely. When teaching me the importance to forgive, I skipped the part where you weed out those people who are no good, or only good in the benefit of themselves. Also something I'm working on.
Three things I learned this month:
- If I am feeling overwhelmed, a 90's playlist is a miracle worker for me. I'm not talking Hanson and Backstreet Boys, but Del Amitri and the Wallflowers.
-I can cook so much better than I originally anticipated. Working on getting more adventurous in the kitchen...
-I have spent a summer at a camp with children and although 60 of them in a room makes me crazy, I get to see (hear) things through the eyes of a child, and it's refreshing how (some of them) see people for what they are.