Nov 30, 2012

There's a hole in my soul, I can't fill it

PREFACE:

For those of you who know me personally, I should preface this post by saying none of this is romantic related.  My biggest fear with removing this blog from being anonymous to most people I know was that it would cause backlash and speculation.  Don't make assumptions and please respect my right to use this as a place I can be honest with myself safely. I keep intimate details relatively loose to prevent identifying people for THEIR privacy.

Have you ever had to talk some one off a ledge?  I'm not talking about talking them out of any bad idea, I mean really talking them out of ending it all.  From a professional perspective, mental illness is a disease-- something that usually results in impulsive choices, bitter words, or radical decisions.  It's about finding a way to manage those things in the least restrictive setting.  But when mental illness takes hold of someone close to you, really close to you--it's so much harder to maintain that perspective.    It's hard to understand, it's hard to not personalize, it's harder to forgive.  It's hard to know you can't fix it, that it probably won't be better (though it might have better moments).   There are words, thoughts, memories that are fleeting for them and forever for the lives they're torturing.




Don't want to be a downer, just needed a space to store this.  Thanks for reading.

8 comments:

  1. Sadly, I know what you're going through. As a kid, both my mother and grandmother who lived with me had Bi-Polar disorder, Depression, and a few other mental illnesses.

    My mother was sexually molested by her uncle. My grandma and her mother knew it, sadly, but didn't do anything to stop it for quite some time. My mother was overweight and was raising 3 children and was so depressed she used to threaten us that she'd walk out and never come back. She's a little better now but she's severely paranoid and schizo. She watches way too many court shows and so, whenever I go out I get at least 5 texts asking me where I am, etc.

    My grandmother grew up as one of the younger kids out of 10 children. Their father was an abusive alcoholic. They were poor and lived on a farm in the 50s. She ran away at 15, married a man and had my uncle. That guy died in the Vietnam War. She met another man, had my mother and he left for the Vietnam war. My grandma has bi-polar disorder, depression, schizophrenia and basically just mental illness. She cries alone. Talks to herself. Sings to herself and will pretend to be on a phone with someone if you knock on her door.

    In general, mental illness is complicated and is not something to make fun of or disbelieve in. It can be really rough dealing with people who have it. Don't let anyone say otherwise to you.

    I've subscribed to you as Forevera90sKid.

    http://forevera90skid.blogspot.com/2012/11/live-long-and-prosper-or-so-they-thought.html

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words. Sometimes some empathy is all you really need to get past something! Following your blog also.

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  2. I'm sorry you are feeling that way. As the wife of an Army vet, I know plenty of people that struggle with PTSD & other mental illnesses. However, I have a degree in Psychology and I can promise that there ARE ways to help and things can get better- I've seen it both personally and professionally. It may always be a struggle, but it can become manageable.

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    1. Thank you for reading. I agree--it's just a bit more chaotic when the person doesn't see a problem/want to cooperate/take help. I think as a professional, it's so easy to say "well this is what they need to do to fix it" but when they're right down next to you, it's so much more.

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  3. I'm sorry for what you are going through but thank you for sharing. I love when people blog honestly and openly the way you do! Sometimes understanding and forgiveness is so hard, even when you understand the reasons behind someones action. I always think once my emotions are involved the more rational part of my brain seems to just shut off! Keep up the good work on your blog! I enjoy reading it!

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    1. I appreciate you reading, even when it's not about resilience and optimism. I think it's essential for a blog to be a place to outlet all emotions.

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  4. Mental illness is difficult, and someone who has never known anyone with one or suffered from one themselves just doesn't understand. My sister is bipolar, and not only that she also took several drugs through the years which made the bipolar even worse, and to top it off.....in the past 5 years they have also diagnosed her with a personality disorder. She has two children, both boys, one is 8 and the other is 4 and my mom is having to raise both of them. A couple years ago she had taken so many drugs and was at work one day (she doesn't hold down a job very well) and they found her in the bathroom and the whole bathroom including herself was covered in blood, the drugs had eaten away at her stomach. She is still alive, but shes still taking the drugs, and she still refuses to take the medicine to help with her disorder. Its hard to forgive her for the way shes treated my mom, even though in the back of mind I know she is sick. Its hard to forgive her for the way she treats my nephews, but again I know she is sick. Holidays are the hardest, and honestly that's the only time I see her anymore (I live in NC with my husband, my family lives in SC where I grew up ).

    I also had an uncle....who was also bipolar who committed suicide in my grandmothers front yard when I was 12 years old, leaving a 2 year old daughter....and well that's a longer story

    but on to my point I've been to therapy over my sister, and honestly I don't know if there is any help for her left. Not just because of her disease but because of what the drugs have done to her body, and mind. I just thought Id share my story, <3 from my heart to yours.

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    1. Heather,

      I think the hardest part of the disease is that no matter how much YOU do you can't help/fix them--they have to want to...and even if they stay on a med, once they feel "better" they self-regulate anyway.

      I appreciate you sharing that, I know that's sometimes hard to talk about and it feels good to know someone else can love them yet be at their wits end too <3

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