Oct 11, 2012

Introspective moments and attachment.

I spent a great majority of this week in the waiting area of a court room on a subpoena to testify in a case.   I was thinking a lot today about attachment, as they're quick to ask you if there are visible signs of attachment between a youth and their parent.  A counselor I saw (while recovering from my eating disorder) told me I had issues with attachment.  They said I "was good at being warm without being connected".  I think that still holds some truth. 

People I'm attached to you ask? Sure, I have a best friend.  Seems like a great sense of attachment to someone right? Except when you consider she is also an only child and doesn't feel a great deal of attachments to many humans (in a different kind of way).   There's also my childhood best friend who knows that some times I just need a good dose of reality and if that doesn't work a good whack with a VCR tape and some space will do.  I've had lots of failed romantic relationships-- the ones that I ended happening because the person clung to me too quickly, too tightly with no ability to be their own entity.  That still doesn't explain the relationships they ended though, or the successful healthy relationship I have now.  It does shed a great deal of light on how I can do the work I do though, don't you think?  Be warm, polite, engaging without a sense of attachment.   

Another thought,  when I graduated from 3 years of college I left immediately after the ceremony.  Literally moments after the completion.  So relieved to be ending one chapter and starting another.  Though I still keep in touch with a majority of the girls I graduated with, I stay what I would consider close with one.  She's also someone who is stable enough to make ventures on her own.   

Having said all that, the same counselor told me that's probably how I "survived" my eating disorder, no real connectedness to it, just replacing it with some other way to fulfill my need for self control.

Aren't introspective moments enlightening and terrifying?  Just something floating around in my brain.

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