Sep 2, 2012

If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me?

At 26, you'd think you've got a handle on yourself, your patterns... but I'm just now learning about what it does to me to hold in the things I'm afraid to say.  It's made me hesitate on things I know I deserve, should accomplish, and eaten up a chunk of my self-esteem in the process.  Perhaps one of the worst feelings is to lay your feelings on the line in any form and have them rejected.  I've always promised myself to take careful note of people pouring out their heart to me because even if I can't put myself in their shoes, I can respect that it takes a lot to lay it all on the line.  And speaking of a line, I'm walking that line of forgiving someone because you want them in your life, not because they deserve it.   I want so badly to find the words to tell you who you are to me, what I need from you, what I am so desperately seeking--but when I open my mouth the only thing that escapes is all of that anger I have--that I can spend my days trying to fix and mend relationships and I can't fix this one.  And more so, that I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough, but that this is all I know how to be.

In terms of my romantic relationship, I'm just so refreshed each day I spend getting to know such a fascinating person.  Is THIS what has been missing?  That renewed daily curiosity about how they function, what makes them tick, the comfort you get from their laughter?  You make me feel warm, you make me feel alive, you make me grateful.  You take my worst moments and remind me that it will all be okay, that it looks worse than it is.  You're respectful of our differences, and you embrace the things we enjoy together.  I can't ever recall having a love this reciprocated.  Actually, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing how little my love in the past has been reciprocated.  That's not a dig at ex's, to be clear.  That's showing that I've grown enough to explain my needs and wants more clearly.  This isn't lust, this is love, and friendship, and sunshine reflecting in your eyes.

There are days I'm set back by the voids people try to fill, and the damage they're willing to do to another person just to fill it.  At work, the referrals for children in care almost always tug at your heart, but lately they've been worsening.  Recently, a referral came in for an abuse case, and it indicated scars around the child's eyes determined to have been put their by needles.  And I know that there's not always answers to the questions we have, but it makes me nauseated sometimes to think about what the person inflicting this pain has been through, the cycle they're continuing--the heartache they must not be able to vocalize either--and the innocent child who will spend years feeling they're to blame.  Despite this, I have to believe that there are beautiful moments to combat heartache and that you get through the tough times by searching for happiness with the people you love close by your side.

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