The 16th of August marked ten years in my recovery from Bulimia. I was so struck by the supportive words I got from people I rarely talk to-- I thought it was a victory only to me but then I realized we can all celebrate the strength of one another can't we? From a single mom raising her kids on her own, squeaking by and filling their hearts with love to someone facing a trauma they've legitimately blocked out of their memory to someone who was able to kick an unhealthy habit--we're all victorious in our own ways. It seems so far away from who I am now 90% of the time but there are those fleeting moments that are painful reminders that it will always have to be a conscious choice.
I just read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. I swore I wasn't caving to read it as the reviews were unsightly bad but my curiosity got the best of me. What did everyone think about it?
Last weekend I went to a funeral of an acquaintance I went to high school with. It's the fourth death in our tiny town of someone around that age this year. What is it about death, even of an acquaintance, that gives us that heart clenching feeling? Knowing we're not infinite? Knowing that there are people who will struggle so desperately to make sense of the unthinkable and continue on? That it's a tangible reminder that life isn't fair and no one ever made claims that it would be? And sitting there, listening to his poor grieving mother talk about her baby boy brought me so much perspective, not just because I know that I take a lot for granted but also because I saw people in that room consumed with grief and still holding on to these petty high school ideas about what's important-- jewelry, social status, how you look when you grieve, who has accomplished what. I realized in that moment that my friends may be few but they're genuine. They let any qualms we may have be secondary to that moment of need, whatever it might be. This world is full of tragedy, if we can let go of the grudges we keep holding maybe we'll have two hands to help and two shoulders to support one other. Hate and anger is heavy and should be brief, momentary feelings for the most part. Why is s that so difficult for some people? They let anger define them so clearly that by the time they decide to let go of it, it's the anger people remember, not their individualism. I make mistakes, I try my best to take ownership of that and I move on because if I can't help someone I certainly refuse to take the bitter road of hurting them.
I don't often write about my work--I'm really respectful of confidentiality most of the time. I think it's there for a reason and as a caseworker I often see people in one of their darkest times in their life. I work in foster care/adoption. I am often very good at setting aside personal from work. I often get told that "I'm a saint for doing this job" and that "seeing what I see, it's amazing I'm as positive as I am". I take pride in my work and I get to spend quality time with kids of all age groups--it's both tragic and heartwarming depending on the day. I have a lot of biological parents who have generational poverty, or have taken a wrong turn to get on the wrong path regarding the system, drugs, and parenting. It is sometimes tiring to see the same mistakes day in and day out, but there are those stories that motivate you because the parent REALLY wants to be different, to make that change for them and their child/children. I learned this week that t this field opens your eyes to people who corrupt the system, using it for what it's not intended for (or maybe it is an I've just been naive?). I can't say much, but I will say that one button pusher for me personally is the parent addicted to drugs, bringing an infant into this world who has to be addicted to this drug and face weening and respirators and so on and so forth. This week I learned that this infants struggle isn't always enough to motivate someone to not make that same mistake again (pregnancy). I am not saying drug addiction is easy or should be minimized--I'm saying contraception IS. Thoughts are welcome.
Hope life is being wonderful to you all. Thanks for continuing to read!
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