Jun 27, 2012

Determination, Despiration, Detatching, Dreaming

I have struggled lately with blogging-- stuck on this fence between feeling like I need to let it out and feeling like I'm airing my laundry publicly.   I guess the whole point of writing is to feel relieved, and the whole point of you voluntarily reading means you're either nosey, curious, and/or want to give me receptive feedback--so if you're here for one of those reasons.. carry on my friend.

Relationships. Ahh.  When it comes to those, I think the less public your actual struggles are, the better.  There are some strange groups of people who thrive on others misfortune, motivated by the prospect of drama.  I try to share my happy moments with lots of people though, to remind someone that through all the strange relationships I've endured, tried to make works, tried to hang on to, or ran a marathon away from--this one feels safe.  This one feels easy and sensible-- even on those days where I get weird about being around people, even on those days I'm aching like a 90 year old lady when I try to get out of bed, and especially on my worst days when I can't stop the uncontrollable laughter he makes rise up out of the pit of my stomach.I find it weird when someone tells either of us "so new, so crazy about each other. give it 6 months".  I mean I understand that things are most exciting when they're new, and that undoubtedly we're going to quarrel like any lovers do--but I don't anticipate acting any different, any less affectionate, or any less smitten--so if you think you might get sick of that bail out now.  No need for lifers that can't handle my happiness, I say.    I do get fearful at this particular stage though--you know, the second you start to realize that the person means a lot to you, to your life--and you think about the prospect of if some day they wouldn't want to be that part anymore?   I mean maybe that's just me since I see people promising forever a lot.  I can't promise forever, I wouldn't think it's fair to do that--It builds your expectations and is a promise you can't keep.  I want to promise that I'll be honest, that I'll communicate my wants and needs, that I will laugh at all your corny jokes, and share my secrets with you.   If you ever get the notion to leave the crazy train that is my life, can we make it like one of those ticking bomb clocks in a movie?  You know where it's telling you that it's all gonna end in 6:43:12 and you're frantically trying to steady your hand and decide whether to cut the green or the red wire?  And common sense would say green says go, but at the last second, I choose red--and the whole crisis is averted?

I am big on saying that I continue to learn about myself daily.  And there's a new lesson out of every obstacle.  I've learned working in this field and living in this world that there's some things you just can't explain. Some people are just bad news. Even if you love them, they aren't always good for your life, they aren't ready to grow up, they aren't there with the best intentions even if there are some good parts of them.   You don't have to forgive someone just because you want it to go back to how it was--in fact, it might never go back to how it was.   Being an adult means stopping the nonsense. I'd like to include in the last few weeks I've discovered it's alright to take a break from everything. It's alright letting yourself go and giving yourself some breathing room.   I started to feel a lot like pieces of ripped up paper you put in front of the fan--little pieces of me being blown in all directions from all these people I was trying to do all these things for--and I never do good deeds with the intent to have them reciprocated, but it's complete madness to do them continuously for the same person who is conveniently too busy when you're down and out.  That's the line between determination and desperation about keeping someone in your life, right?

1 comment:

  1. Don't ever underestimate yourself, you & I both know you're a very special and strong woman! YOU worked hard to get to here so be proud you deserve that. About your relationship...don't listen to others, if it feels right & makes you happy then enjoy.
    On another note...sometimes we have to make decisions that absolutely break our hearts so that others will move on and allow themselves to be happy. I know I did, at least for now, but don't ever think that you aren't still in my heart. I'll always have a "daughter from another mother". Love you!