May 13, 2012

Grub, Grills, and Grizzly Bears.

Happy Mothers Day Loves!

My memories of my grandmother are minimal.  It makes me feel guilty that I didn't soak up  more while I could--but my brain didn't, shouldn't work like that then.  Sunday mornings still remind me of waking up at my Grandma's to french toast-- and I will never forget the time she said "we start each day with a smile, it can't fix everything but it's a good start.  People already love your smile Amanda".    Aside from that, the best advice I ever got from her was "don't date, you're too young to date... boys your age are useless".  Pretty key pieces to remember.  I see flicks of her in my own Mama, the stubbornness, the compassion, the love for animals.  My mother and I have taken a long journey to reach where we are now.  I can't say it's always sunshine and rainbows, but she supports me even when it's killing her to do it.  She is compassionate, full of smiles, and is the reason I try to laugh my way out of an uncomfortable situation.   I hope that when I am her age, I have lived a full life, complete with the laugh lines that show she's smiled in the face of adversity.  I love you mom, through thick and thin-- you're a beautiful person.

Lately I've been struggling with being less passive about things that make me feel smothered, things that feel wrong in my gut, things that I'd be selling myself short if I didn't say.  I think we're figuring out who we are daily, a slow evolution of our ideal self.   I am not who I was yesterday, and I might take a step back tomorrow, but the trick is to continue taking steps, not to be lifeless and immobile.   The other piece of that is to not let anyone else judge your progress- you know in your head if you're making the right changes.  If all the pieces of the puzzle aren't visible, it can be easy for others to point fingers, pass judgement.

I forget what it's like to have someone tell you daily that you're beautiful, to kiss your forehead, to tell you everything will work out and make you believe it.  I forget what it's like to meet someone that makes you laugh til you're snorting and smile til your afraid it'll stick that way.  I am terrified to jinx it by writing that-- I'm the queen of ruining a good thing. 

"But the one thing I know: that when I, I turn out the light,
Visions of you, dear, dance in the night."

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