I think I spend so much time writing so that I can grow as a person. I'd like to think that I'm emotionally mature for my age. I may not be taking the next step (a big move, engagement, baby) that everyone else is taking, but I hope that I'm being the good person who helps everyone through those next steps. I've learned a lot about myself through writing. For example, I have a history of making decisions very quickly when it comes to matters of the heart. I can dismiss someone so quickly based on an irrational fear. Likewise, I have always had a terrible habit of falling in love fast with details of a person and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (ie: far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Most times, I have been a victim of my own optimism. Seems silly then that I psyche myself out of someone with credibility, convinced that they're above me and my baggage. Truth is, I'm pretty easy to please and with good communication I maintain who I am-- strong, stable, independent. I like the idea of two people living their lives together, I just don't like the idea of two people morphing into some lame version of one. The point of this ramble is that I am tired of pushing people away based on risk. I need someone who doesn't need to convince me they're a safe bet, but can show me.
I've started a positivity journal. I made a promise to myself that I cannot write bad things in there, only the good. I write tangible measurable things in there-- a good health day, sunshine, hugs from a good person, warm fuzzies, forehead kisses, a shopping trip. Sometimes when it gets to much for me, it feels good to reflect that these little measurable things still matter. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know
that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will
end up good and what is not won't. I also cleaned out my closet of some things I haven't been wearing. I am also cleaning out the clutter of people in my life too.
This week of work was interesting. I know I don't write about that much, but my job is emotional. Not always rewarding, not always draining--but always emotional. It requires you to make decisions based on instinct and information, not based on opinion. Sometimes I stay up at night wondering if the decision I made was the right one. Sometimes I'm rocked to the point of tears when you look at someone who can't manage to put this little life before their own, the only job they have as parents. Sometimes I feel my heart melt when I see a family reunited or a foster mother hold the baby they never thought they'd have. I don't know that this is the job that I'll have forever, but I can say that it's taught me discipline, it's taught me resilience, and it has taught me priorities.
Hope life is beautiful friends.