Mar 9, 2012

Growing out of and growing into

Strength.  The strange thing about strength is it doesn't come from winning.   Your hardships determine strength.  The struggles you go through but refuse to surrender to, that defines strength.   I'm starting to figure out that strength is most identified during those huge events--but really every day there are little tests that build it.  It tests our friendships, it tests our character, it tests our limits.   

I'm learning more and more lately about who I want to be, and I'm being challenged often by who everyone else thinks I should be.    In terms of my vulnerability, I think it's improved drastically in the last 5-8 years.  I think being emotionally available has become challenging in part due to my line of work, and in part because I keep my heart in a lock box.   I worry that my compassion will lead me to be walked on--and in truth sometimes it does.  The bottom line is that when I care about someone, if they need me, I'll be there--the rest can be ironed out later.   In terms of romantics (yes  mom, I hear you yapping about how I'm not going to be young forever.  I love you, sit tight)-- I think there are two types of girls: the type you grow out of and the type you grow into.  I'm fairly convinced I'm the later.  I hope anyway, or I better start liking cats real quick.  Joking..sort of.  The trick of all of that is that I'm past the settling for less, and I'm moving more toward the settling.   I'm not looking for someone who sees the good in me, that's the easy, clearly visible part.  I'm looking for someone who sees the bad and still wants to stick around.   I understand I'm scrutinized often for waiting, but I'm placing all my bets on the fact that it will all be worth it.

The bottom line for me lately is to not let someones opinions consume you.    If someone can't take away your sadness for you, they shouldn't have the ability to steal your happiness.   It's not a perfect equation for me either, but I'm working on it.   I just have this theory that if I feel good about my choices at the end of the day, the people who are meant to be in my life will stay, and the ones that aren't supposed to be will go.    Either way, I give good hugs, I am looking for adventures, and I will challenge you, I will warm you if you let me.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully said. You have loads of positive karma coming your way.