Jan 1, 2012

"I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I want you to notice when I'm not around"

I tend to write up beat-- but there are times that I want to make note of the bad/frustrating/infuriating things too... so be patient with me friends.  I've been told on several occasions that people appreciate my honesty and I hope this isn't an exception.

I think perhaps the only thing more anxiety provoking than being sick all the time is when someone notices you're sick all the time.    It's like a black cloud that follows you around --and while you're grateful for the sunshine you're worried about that chance of rain.   Getting teased about your weight hurts--whether you're overweight or underweight, or in my case the appropriate weight finally, it is painful.   I fight hard to eat, be at my normal weight, and smile--because life is too short.  It's hard to remind yourself not to get anxious about eating.  Every--single--time... I tend not to write much about this because I know someone always has it worse, and I don't ask for much except your understanding that not every day is easy--for me or for anyone.  Life requires empathy.

What is it about a new year that makes a majority of us re-evaluate?  I think for me it's knowing I can have another year behind me and between me and events I'd rather not reflect on.   I guess there's not really going to be too much "new" about  me.  I made resolutions but they're not a rebirth, just a reminder of things I should be doing already... I joked with everyone about 26 being terribly old, but as my birthday came and passed, I felt entirely the way I thought I would--relieved.   I'm always going to be a little reckless, but as I grow older, I know there are more lessons to learn that help me keep my balance instead of falling on my face.   Time heals, hinders when necessary, helps, and hides.    I have done things I'm not proud of, I'm learning.  If I've hurt you, I'm sorry.  If I've helped you, I'm glad.  If you've loved me, I'm grateful.   I mean that.

I hope that this new year brings you great joy, great opportunity, great memories.  I hope that you utilize the less than beautiful moments as lessons, I hope you remember that sadness and loneliness is a human emotion--we all feel it, and you don't have to compromise who you are to feel whole again, just be patient and it will pass.  You don't drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying in it.  Don't let heartache make you bitter, don't let your heart harden--life is beautiful even if it doesn't always give us what we think we need.    Do not let insignificant people have significance in your life.  The parallel of that is to remember that there is a reason two people are drawn to one another.

One of my work kiddos told me this as a joke but it got my wheels turning.  She said "Miss Amanda, What is a heart?"  I of course said I didn't know, to which she responded "the only thing that works when it is broken".    I hugged her and laughed, wishing I could make it so she'd  never seen the truth in that joke.  It turns so many people sour, heartache I mean.     

Thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate my birthday--it was nice to have a nice chill evening out with everyone.  I am lucky to be blessed with so many great people.

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