Sep 21, 2011

Everything I ever need is right here inside of me

You would think that with all the work I do with people, there wouldn't be a thing you could say about them that would surprise me anymore--but that's not even close to true.  Every day I find something new that I love or loathe about people. Hell, every day I find something new I love or loathe about myself.  We're all on a path of daily self discovery.    Today I learned that the ability for someone to care can never truly be predicted--someone can still care, can still love when someone has really  pressed their buttons.  Sometimes you care enough to know that you care too much to stand in an objective viewpoint.  We're all learning.  Trial and error.  Hoping the error isn't permanent.

They say loneliness is human, that we all feel it, even when we have "someone".  Loneliness doesn't work for me the way it does for most people--I don't often have loneliness when I've had a hard day and I need someone to understand.  I don't have loneliness when I hang out in a group of friends who are often coupled off--nine times out of ten I'm even more comfortable.  Loneliness doesn't creep up on me when one of my lifelong friends calls to tell me she's engaged or when I see my best friend with someone who mirrors her as her other half.  Loneliness comes to me when I am at my happiest usually-- I don't get lonely being alone and I am incredibly grateful for that.  Loneliness comes when I'm feeling quirky and I want to tell someone about this superstressfulreallyawesomesointeresting thing that happened to me today.   It sometimes does come at obligatory times too--like when you attend a wedding with your parents and your dad almost seems to wince watching the father daughter dance happening.  Or when any infant in proximity of your mother makes her googly eyed, darting her attention between you and the child.  But it always passes. It's a fleeting moment mainly. 

Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want.- White Oleander

I think often that my mind works different than most people.  I think a lot of that is nuture, not nature.  I'm an only child--I find comfort in being alone often.  I like to spend my day being fufilled by helping others, but I'm happy to come home and write, or read, or curl up to a movie.  I don't show the depth of my personality unless you can keep my interest.  emotionally detached.    All that I know is that life has a funny way of making things work like revolving doors.  If someone is meant to be in my life, they tend to find a way to fit in there.  I have to trust that if I feel strongly enough about something to make a decision, that I am strong enough to stick to it.   Even now, I am content with this dimly lit room, this cup of tea, and this cryptic message I'm leaving to remind myself that if I ever question myself--I am beautiful.  I am capable.  I am independent. I am worthwhile.   Everything I want is just about in my reach.  I can almost feel it.

1 comment:

  1. I just love reading your writing soo soo soo much <3 britt