Sep 28, 2011

Life Is Colorful.

I've always been a firm believer that you can't really do much about how someone acts.  It wasn't until recently, 20something years into my life, that I realized how I react to it is something I can control.   So when I found myself recently in a (rather public) nonsense situation, I reminded myself that going tit for tat wouldn't solve something at all.    I have amazing friends--I don't think I say that enough.  The kind who come to your defense before you even know you need defending.  And a great mom too--the kind who gets up at 3 in the morning when you're anxiety gets the best of you and your hearts pumping in your throat.   I am not looking to make some public statement here, but to write it for my own memory, so although I'm being vague, if you're aware of this person I hope you can respect their privacy.  I am not emotionally available.  There are some parts of me that even I'm feeling detached from.    It takes getting a good burn one time to make you afraid of the heat.  It's the burn after burn that makes you hesitant to take residence in warm places.  I'm not blaming other people for the way I act, and I suppose it can be conceived that way-- but there's no way that you can get anywhere without leaving footprints behind you.  There's no way you can go on a journey without traveling, having memories.  The good and the bad stick with you.  I don't let the past dictate my future, but it does warn me when there's something that may be similar to a road block I've hit before.   Every person has gone through moments that have changed them.   The greatest thing I have in this life is the ability to make choices, and I'm sorry that sometimes those choices cause hurt to other people.  I'm an honest person, a trustworthy person, a person who can look in the mirror because I know that I can tell people the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Forsaking my happiness for someone else would be forsaking myself.

I don't know what the future has in store for me.  I'm not afraid of the unknown.  I'm often afraid of the little parts inside of me that I can't figure out yet either.  Those are the areas of me most startling.  You know those moments where you surprise yourself--good or bad.  I'm not perfect--nor am I striving for perfection.  I want to make changes to myself that make me more proud to be in my own skin.   That includes the "Did I just do that?!" moments and the "I'm going to regret this in the morning" moments and the "I can wear this with double sided tape" moments-- we need reckless and fearless as much as placid and well thought out.  We must always be moving, never be stagnant.  Life is an endless adventure.

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