I find so much comfort in writing. I find it so frustrating when I have so much to say and no time or mind set to write it in. Good writing, the kind that really allows you to pour out your emotions, can't be forced though. If I were forced to write daily, I think I'd be boring and uptight. I'd feel limited and unable to disclose half of the things that move me. I take such comfort in reading things others write because it means their brain works like mine, always rearranging and building ideas--even when you're trying not to think.
It's rare that I write about this, actually I can't honestly say I ever have--in this blog or the old one. My "parents" have been together since I was four. My step dad has never once told anyone I'm his "step daughter". He's never looked at me for one second like he wished he'd had his own children. I can't imagine the sacrifice he's made to be able to encompass me that way, but I am eternally grateful. I don't ask "why" questions about that scenario very often. I don't ask what led him here to us, or why my father couldn't have fit into my life somewhere. I remind myself that if he wanted to he would have--No excuses.
This week, I got a call from my mom letting me know that my biological grandmother (on my father's side) had passed away. I can't say I've ever felt a feeling quite like that--what was that feeling? Death has a funny way of reminding us about things we never got to say. I feel a lot of guilt...for lack of better words.. for not reaching out to someone who is directly in line for being responsible for my creation. I had a fight with myself a little over a year ago where I toyed with the idea of inviting them to my graduation party (for college). I felt like it was the right thing to do but such a public way to reach out--and I listened to that voice in my head saying "if they wanted to be there, they would have been all along". I could spend a lot of time with "what if's". Truth is, maybe they wanted to but didn't know how to do it. Maybes are a hard thing to toss around in your head.
The good part of my brain seemed to be functioning when I got this news, and I committed to going to the service. I didn't realize what a huge commitment I'd chewed off I suppose. I would have to look at (or be looked at by) people who I wasn't familiar with, who didn't know who I am or what I'm about because for one reason or another, we never got the chance to. In the same sense, I am eternally grateful for that opportunity. I am an only child in most respects. I don't think you'd know that from meeting me (I hope) as I tend to try to be a selfless as possible. I guess I had pushed the idea of siblings out of my head when I pushed out my father-- but then standing in this funeral home there were 2 little beautiful souls who wanted to know me. Siblings? What's that like? I don't anticipate something from this, but I do allow myself to be open to it-- I feel compelled to be. This went on to find my older half brother, someone I've been interested in contacting for quite some time. Facebook is a beautiful thing right?
I have been off the radar in my social life lately. I think I needed to be. I just needed to take all of this in, to really process me and where I'm at. To be both aware and grateful of the things I have and the things I haven't had to deal with. If you're reading this and feel slighted, I'm sorry and it's never for a second been my intentions. I just needed to get back to knowing who I am and what I stand for. Who am I to help anyone else get by when I don't have my own feet on the ground, don't have balance in my own head and heart?
Thanks for always being by my side-- If you're reading this you know who you are. The things we learn about ourselves, about this life, about loving and laughing--they'll shape us if we let it, shatter us if we don't.