Feb 27, 2011

We're pretty and sick, we're young and we're bored.

I think it's no secret that I am a walking health issue. Most often to the point where I'm embarrassed to talk about it because I'm afraid someone will think less of me or judge me. It's hard unless you're someone who is chronically ill to understand what the constant fatigue feels like. It's not a big secret amongst my friends and family (and now the entire facebook community lol--I have no shame, whatever) that I've been struggling with a stomach issue recently and because of that, been struggling with my weight. From November until about mid January, I'd lost about 18lbs.

This picture was taken a while back on a girls night out. I cropped out a lot of it because there are friends in it, but seeing this picture really grossed me out. This reminded me of what my body looked like after my eating disorder. It also had been a struggle to work with a doctor, convince my family, and convince my friends that what was happening with my body was NOT self inflicted. It's heartbreaking (though justified) to have someone need to question you that way. The best way to explain it is that I literally felt like I was wasting away, and so was any strength I had.

Now that I've sort of regained control of that within the last few weeks, it's on to focusing on this fatigue. Between the DJD and CFS, winter has been draining on my joints/muscles/etc. As tired as I am, the pain has really been giving me quite a bit of insomina. I get hesitant already about writing that because I get nervous that people will mistake that for whining. I write because I want to remember that in this moment, I was struggling with it. It may mean I have to work a little harder on things in my life, but I don't mind. I'm blessed with good opportunities, good people, and a lot of motivation (thankfully).

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