Feb 9, 2011

Maybe you're just jaded from some nobodies unforgotten words...

Partial Reinforcement. It's a strange concept. It's like the kid at the checkout line who cries for a candy bar. And while as a parent, I can only imagine the willpower it takes not to reward this behavior, parents manage most often to say no. The issue is, the child remembers that ONE TIME when you let them have their way for throwing a sobbing fit, and therefore in their head it's imprinted that it happened once and could happen again. I relate that a lot to my concepts on love for two reasons:

(1) I was once crazy head over heels in love. So Cliche. Reading that makes it sound like it was ordinary. Maybe from the outside looking it in it was ordinary. On the inside, though, it was smoldering, life-altering, mind-numbing, heart quickening love. It was the only time in my life I can say for sure that I was in love. In the midst of this relationship, if you had asked me, I would say yes true love does happen. I would have said yes, I do believe love can last forever. If you had asked me then, I would have given anything to make it work. However, if you asked me today, knowing the person they've become and the person I became both in spite of it and in spirit of it, I am glad it didn't work out. Minus this next part...You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else. And that brings me to...

(2) I was let down by the one person who I ever let myself fall completely head over heels in love with. And it has forever altered my idea of trust. Don't get me wrong, I let people in, or at least let them feel like they're really in. You're in my front door. You're in just enough to feel my warmth, but never enough to really let it catch fire. I do one of two things: a) pick someone who I know it won't work with. The person that needs fixed. The person who is unhappy. The person who is stuck. The person that hates their job, their living arrangement, their temper--I try to fix them. And when it doesn't work, I rest easy knowing it's not my fault (entirely). OR b) I find someoneI know I could fall completely crazy head over heels in love with, and I tell them it needs to go slow. I tell them I am a committment phob. It's true, I am. I don't tell them what they need to do is show me their different. Because in truth, they shouldn't have to prove anything to me. In turn, they do what anyone faced with the term would do, give me lots and lots of space. I like space, but too much of it makes me bored, makes me disconnect, makes me convince myself you're not interested. In truth, I'm an all or nothing person, but I go halfway just to convince myself that I am worthy of being loved--only tobe let down when I don't actually let them love me, not really see me.

I'm a puzzle sometimes, even to myself. If you could just give me that time to warm up to you, maybe I could let you in past my front door. If you could make me feel beautiful emotionally, intellectually, maybe I would know you weren't just pursuing me physically. If you could pursue me enough to feel wanted and not enough to get scared, maybe I could show you that I really am someone worthy of your heart. Or maybe, most likely, you'll move on to someone that doesn't have all these maybes. I don't blame you.

I can handle a lot, there's one thing I'm missing: It's in your eyes.

1 comment:

  1. this is the only time i've ever said this Neil, but ...while reading this i felt freakishly like it was coming from my own head