Jan 30, 2011

Swore I'd never love again, swore my heart would never mend

Isn't it funny how we think that about love? "It" (whatever the seemingly life ruining event is) happens and we swear to ourselves that we'll be smarter, more head and less heart. Some of us swear we'll never ever be in that predicament again, and often times we aren't. Heartbreak always finds a new way to reinvent itself-- and lucky for us, so does love. Love can come from a new item you purchased, your slobbery stinky dog curled up next to you on the bed, the smile from a stranger on the street corner, and yes, it can be an emotion that fills your heart and slows your normal conscious reaction time.

I was thinking today about love and the people who debate if they've ever been in it. That, of course, depends on how you see love I suppose. Life is all about perception. I have loved many many people. Being in love, well that's something different entirely. I'd say with confidence that I've been in love once. After that, I'd say it's not that it wasn't possible but that I wouldn't let myself go there. The thing that we need to remind ourselves is that love doesn't hurt. It's the ending of it, the changing of it, the loss of it that really does a number on us. I got to thinking about that this weekend when someone who I used to know and love said something out of spite. And I reminded myself, it's not love that makes us do stupid spiteful things (though it does make us do stupid things) but rather the absence or loss of it. If you're reading this, which I sincerely doubt you'd go through the trouble to do, I forgive you. I forgive you for not being able to accept blame. And I forgive you for all of the horrible stuff you've said to me, mainly while drunk. You're a good person-- I can say a million good things about you-- but you are also your own worst enemy. I hope this life finds you beautiful things, in particular common sense, or at least a sense of better judgment.

I know I know, you're reading this thinking "whoa, this is public" right? I'm not naming names, nor pointing fingers. I'm not a saint or without flaws. I'm just a girl who writes to save herself, who writes to ground herself, and who writes because I believe it serves a purpose. I'm sorry if you disagree with me. And as far as love, I'm not chasing it, but I'm also done putting on the breaks for the "right time". I have the same morals I did 5 years ago. I am still the same person who is working to improve herself every single day. Today looks like a good day for an uphill climb.

Ps. This song is a song I used to love very much. There's a line in it that used to sum up the reason I ran: "What I'm trying to say is I was afraid that you'd leave, so I slept with my failures and started to grieve". Melancholy and beautiful this song is:

1 comment:

  1. I think it's time you give someone who really deserves you a chance... like me.