Feb 18, 2011

I'll be around, I'll be your lover, I'll light up your dark...

"Sometimes, when we are lying together, I look at him and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feeling that are different from my own."

One of my favorite (and at some points least favorite) things about people is that they're so colorful, so unique, so different. I am blessed with such a variety of people in my life. I choose people who don't always fit together because they help to explore the areas about myself I've left unlit, and bring some dynamic that is not average into my life. I was told that recently that I was receptive about people and the way I studied people. It meant a lot to hear that out loud because I always think in the back of my mind that the things I notice and cherish about someone tend to be the things that most people don't even notice:

-*I notice the way your brain races to find the correct, most delicate words to select the love and loss you've been experiencing lately.

-*The way you can heighten any bad day with a healthy drink and some good dance moves.

-*The similar way we both put others feelings before our own, even when it creates discomfort.

-*The way your eyes go crazy when you're passionate about something.

-*The way I know your brain is going a mile a minute just by the way you fall quiet.

-*The way you're able to tell someone directly, frankly the things you think are the root of their overwhelming amount of problems.

-*The way you see all perspectives even when you're being treated unfairly...

And those are just mannerisms. . . I love to study people, the way their eyes express half of what they can't say, how their forehead wrinkles about a bad idea, the way their jaw clenches when their upset.. I wouldn't be nearly as happy without variety..

But what troubles me, what really troubles me is the way I deal with change and loss. Why do I handle it so much differently than the average person? I see friends and people turn away from someone in an instant--and I keep someone in my life for a lifetime, even when I shouldn't. Maybe that's because I put up such a weird barrier that if you've managed to maneuver your way around it, I keep you because I don't know how to let you out any more than I know how you got in?

I'm coming home New York. I'm ready to stop playing it safe. I'm ready to dance with or without people watching, I'm ready to smile like I can light up a whole town, and I am ready to leap without looking for a change, because I've been playing it safe for so long-- lets do something crazy...


  1. I know this will show up anonymous so that's the only reason I'm leaving this comment:

    Quit trying. He doesn't appreciate you. Trust me. I don't even know who he is but I can read and know that you're struggling between finally wanting something serious and settling for not serious with someone you want.

  2. Little sister, you hit that "nail" right on its head. Take your leaps and make them plentiful, because you can live by playing it safe, but it is not nearly as fruitful or full. If you need a hand to be there on the other side if you start to slip, you know I love you dearly.

    Not So Anonymous

  3. Don't ever quit trying, Mama. Not with anything you do. You have a resilience about you that only deserves to be topped by the guys, friends and events in your life. You are allowed to want your solid ground and your quicksand too. Life is messed up but the bumps and turns make the ride worth it. Keep smiling because you rock and your smile puts the sun to shame. Xoxo.