That light in your eyes

Sometimes it's strange to me looking back on things I used to write and knowing EXACTLY what was happening when I felt that way... I read this blog post and it reminded me of exactly why I took the time to figure out who I am. Being in that position is exhausting. I've done that to myself more often than I care to admit. I say done that to myself because the other person is always unpredictable. The trick is to be comfortable enough with yourself to know no matter how much something throws you off your guard, you can recover because you have a firm sense of who you are. I have said that I'm becoming more transparent this year as a New Years resolution. I usually think those are silly but it's honestly paying off. I am walking on egg shells less and less. I am taking more risks for me and less risks for other people. I'm capable of being honest, compassionate, and loyal while still maintaining my sanity and my sense of self. That is something I struggled with for a long time.

I write minimally here about health issues--it's the only area of myself that I'm guarded about. Truth being told, lately I'm exhausted. For those of you who don't know I suffer from chronic fatigue and lately some weird stomach thing. I lost my insurance because of my agency closing, and I can't find out about discounted things (medicaid, family health plus, etc) until I find out about unemployment. I'm literally losing weight so rapidly that I went out to buy new underwear last week (overshare? perhaps, but relevant to help you understand). I'm trying to put more good things in my body, trying to get as much sleep as I can possibly get, trying to maintain a stress free life for as long as possible-- I am an insanely happy person lately, no doubt about it. In a time in my life where most people would feel stranded or lost, I feel alive and identified. I'm not sure why, I can't put my finger on the exact reason I'm so okay--but I'm okay. Maybe half of it is knowing I need this time for myself. I'm writing it here half as a reminder to myself later that as I write this, I literally feel like I'm wasting away--so exhausted and so weak. Despite that, there's this light in me that just won't die. When all is said and done, I know I am insanely blessed so I hope (desperately) that as you read this you don't get any indication that I'm doing anything except venting and taking note of the things I feel. We all have our own struggles with life, and if this is my most daunting one, I'm alright with that.

I've had this conversation with several people in my life lately about the ongoing baby/marriage boom that is surrounding my life. Slowly people fall into the "married" or "with child" category. I am happy for you all, and I want to preface anything I'm about to say by saying that. I feel you're blessed with things in your life for a reason. I don't have qualms about where I am in my life because I know this is what's meant for me. If/when marriage and kids comes along for me, it will fall into place and I will smile and be grateful. Until then, I don't feel that I'm lacking in my life by not having either of those things, and it continues to be an ongoing frustration of mine that people seem to feel like I'm "missing the point of life" by not doing that immediately. I am not afraid to be with someone, and I'm also not afraid to be alone. I have a strong personality, a big heart, and a lot of motivations.



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