Jan 21, 2011

In a mile you'll be feeling fine..

I used to be bulimic.

Seems like a weird way to start a blog right? I was thinking a lot about that this week. I've been helping my parents pack up to move into the new house, and I was sitting in the bathroom which attaches to our laundry room while my mom packed up a whole box of old linens. It's funny how an object or a room floods you with memories. For me, it's that shower. I used to throw up in the shower. It was easily concealed and the chances of being caught minimal. I will never forget that for months after I "got better" I'd still stand in the shower after I was done and wash it, a habit I acquired after throwing up. (I feel like if you're reading this, you're both grossed out and not interested.. sorry) The paint in the shower (which is a cream color) is stained from where the stomach acid changed the color. I remember looking at that and feeling like I was never that person, like I watched a bad lifetime movie or something. I take comfort in knowing that we probably all have those moments in our life that seemed so relevant at one point and seems more and more like an out of body experience as we progress past it. I'm not proud of having been there, but it has hands down taught me about what it's like to dig deep to make a change in yourself. If you're not familiar, eating disorders like bulimia tend to rarely be about weight, at least initially. For me, it was a moment to be in control. If everything else seemed to be spinning around so fast I couldn't tell up from down, this was a coping mechanism, one thing I could control...

I have no idea why I wrote this but it's something that will be helpful to me when I look back on it, and that is half the reason why I write.

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