Laugh Laugh Laugh At The Things We Know

Things in my life lately have seemed a little fuzzy -- like I'm taking part but I'm not really participating. It's like somewhere I stopped contributing and just was existing. That's so far from like me. I have been packing and reading through old cards, letters, looking at old photos. It reminds me that I have an insane amount of love and compassion to offer to this world and I sometimes bottle it up and play it safe. In recent events that have been occurring all around me, it reminds me that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and maybe saving the words you've been longing to say turns out to be a bad idea, not a safe bet. My reason for mentioning this is that a combination of good hugs, great company, and warm fuzzies seems to be motivating me to let who I am be enough.

I was at my friends yesterday and I get this nesting feeling when I am around her because she's settled into a stable, happy marriage. I rarely feel like marriage is something I'd ever fit into, until I see how much they really complete one another. They balance out each others bad days, they complete one anothers wants and needs in ways that being alone might not satisfy. She mentioned to me in conversation that she'd heard on the radio that people who are "figuring themselves out" (my # 1 line for not being in a relationship) are actually just too scared to commit. I guess that seems fairly accurate. Reverting to my previous car analogy in my last post, maybe I really do get car sick? Bored, scared, trapped.

Today is my party for my birthday that I've been planning for quite some time. I have a party after the holidays because my birthday falls smack dab between two holidays and people get really wrapped up in family stuff during the holiday(rightfully so). My one "gimmie" as an only child is that I like my birthday to be a big deal. I rarely think that I am selfish or needy in most ways an only child tends to be, I just like this one day to be about me. I try to rid myself of that, but it always creeps back in. I suppose if there is a downfall to have, this one is acceptable right?

The good news is that I get a huge group of people I love into one place, I get to hug them and be grateful for them and that is the best gift of all.