I have been the fall back, the rebound, the friend with benefits and the girlfriend. At one point or another, they’ve all had their benefits and pitfalls. Truthfully, I am getting told old to feel like a back-up plan or a fall back for anyone. I’m finally at the point where the idea of a relationship terrifies me but I’d rather be in a relationship than in this constant maze that I have right now. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with the constant fluctuation of what everyone wants from you, what need you’re fulfilling for them. I’d be lying if I didn’t come right out and say that there have been occasions where I was okay with the friend with benefits or the fall back. They allow you to feel something without things getting too messy.
The fall back tends to be my position where I convince myself its better to be wanted some of the time by someone I’m craving than to lose them all together. Complete mind-game and I’m pretty sure that I laid that to rest a couple weeks ago. It’s been a long time coming and I deserved that. I am not your back up plan. I did that for too long. I have so much to offer, I am not 2nd rate. I’m ready to get my feet wet, mix in my emotions for a change. I can write that and yet I know that I will find something worth pursuing and get antsy, convince myself it’s not the right time or we’d never last or something that makes me a complete sell out. I’d remind myself that they’d not want to deal with all of the baggage that comes with my situation. It’s all bullshit. There’s not provisions really that they need to take if I like them, that’s my baggage not their baggage. I’m sure I’ll both encounter and encompass their shortcomings into my life just like every other relationship I’ve ever been in. I want someone to curl up next to with a good movie, someone to buy cheesy cards for that talk about how love is the most amazing feeling (Gag). Lets take baby steps with this folks, I’m already freaking myself out enough.
Birthday party was a great success.. I'm so blessed to have people who make time to hug me, to laugh with me, to bring a smile to my face...Also last night was such a blast that this morning I woke up saying "I'm too old for this" with a horrible hangover haha.