Dec 12, 2010

I miss you most at Christmas time..

Today felt like a really accomplished day. I did a few favors for a good friend. I spent the day laughing with my mom until we both were crying and our stomachs hurt. We both did the robot to Black Eyed Peas and sang Devil Went Down To Georgia, complete with air fiddle. Moments that like make me so scared of what this life could be like without her someday. Morbid, I know. But it reminds me to memorize the little things about my parents-- the way my dad sounds when he's coming home from work and kicking the snow off his shoes, the way my mom harmonizes with me when we're singing in the car. It makes me feel silly for ever being frustrated with them, they're such a blessing.

Christmas is so incredibly bittersweet for me. I feel like I constantly contradict myself saying I don't need a relationship and then writing about how sometimes I long for one. I often wonder if as I'm laying here in this big bed if a year from now I'll be in this exact spot. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like to be secure about myself (check) and secure with someone (?). Will I have someone who wants to curl up with me at the end of the day because I make them laugh, because I love them unconditionally, because I give them my whole heart--not just sexually? Will I feel so happy WITH someone that I don't feel (finally) like I'd be compromising any part of me that's important to let my guard down? Will we be shopping for Christmas gifts together, laughing and decorating a tree? Will there ever be a day that admitting and writing this doesn't make me feel weak and needy?

"Every other season comes along and I'm alright.."

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