Oct 20, 2010

Slowly I turn into this mess...

I feel like there are two absolute extremes we should not take in this life it’s expecting others to entirely make us happy or entirely relying on ones self to be happy constantly. I think part of growing up is finding a way to not become a complete and total hermit (guilty lately) and not becoming dependent on others (also guilty in the past). I have made decisions that I can’t decide lately how they’ll effect my life. I’m trying to be self-sufficient and yet social. I’m trying to give and bend yet stand up for what I feel in the back of my mind is what life is all about. Life is about diversity. It’s about different people constantly seeking different things, expressing it in different ways, about basic wants and needs. It’s about dignity and victory and discovery. Life is a constant journey. You don’t wake up one day with yourself all figured out, because then it’s like you’ve given up in a sense. You don’t see any need to go on, so you stay stagnant in the place you’re in. Even when you’ve found your niche, things are constantly changing. You can grow two ways with people, together or apart, but in the end you still have to respect them. I can name good things about every person who has ever crossed me in my life. I couldn’t name every mistake I’ve made in this life, but I can tell you that I am stubborn and I get my feelings hurt too easily. I can tell you I watch too many Disney movies about what a happy ending is supposed to look like, and even though I battle that being irrational daily, in the end I hope to find someone who doesn’t mind being as stupidly caught up in the idea of love as I am. I’ve let people in my life that make me feel interchangeable, minimal, replaceable, degradable. I have my share of faults, of skeletons in my closet, of things I can’t deal with. I discovered this week as I was hyperventilating as I curled up in my mothers lap sobbing about how much of a mess I’d made of my life that we all have a mess. My mess isn’t your mess. My hurt isn’t your hurt. My heart and hope and reality isn’t yours. I can respect that we’re all alive here to learn something, to take lessons from every person, every experience, good and bad. I don’t know where this life will take me tomorrow, where this life will take me 6 months from now, but I know that if I have been able to stay afloat thus far, there’s a good possibility that I could still make something beautiful out of my life. Strength isn’t the absence of weakness, but the ability to identify the need for change.

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