Oct 31, 2010

I said remember this moment, In the back of my mind.

I think death does funny things to people--like it activates some unstoppable chemical process in our brain that makes us take life a little bit more seriously or something. I think the hardest thing about becoming an adult is learning we're not even close to invincible. In January I was having dinner with some people from an internship I had then. I will never forget the text message I got telling me one of our friends had died in an accident. You never notice how long you go without talking to some people, or how intricately they've weaved their way into your lives until tragically all those words you saved for a rainy day are always on the tip of your tongue...for eternity. I have never regretted speaking my mind, even when it ultimately ends in me getting crushed because if there isn't tomorrow, I've said something that is resting on my mind and heavy on my heart. This became more solid the day of his funeral as I watched his father struggle for words that he'd wished he could tell his son instead of all of us. Slowly we all went on with what normalcy we could resume...

This week I watched my best friend lose her Grandma. I think possibly worse than grieving yourself is watching someone you love grieve, knowing you can't lessen that load for them. I watched this family band together for strength and it was motivating and thought provoking. It's like we're constantly rushing through a day because we've got some goal, some target to reach but in the midst of this we stop to see the little things--to tell the people we love the most how fantastic, amazing, beautiful, they are. Forget to tell someone, even if for only that day, that they made you have warm fuzzies.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will be like for me, or next week, or next month. I am just looking for what makes me happy right now, in this moment, in this day. Because lets be honest, we know this is so not my normal. I am meeting someone and thinking about how they'll effect my life in 5 months. It's insanity, and we may only have their warm embrace and contagious smile for 10 seconds, the 10 seconds you'll miss if you're thinking about 10 hours from now. I'm done gambling my happiness... so if you see me saying what is in my heart, maybe you could listen because it takes a big leap of faith to do that.

I can't say I'm flawless, but I am trying to be something that someone someday will miss.

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