If there's one thing I can say about life, it's that you never know what's around the next corner. You never know when you're headed for a big fat unexpected detour that keeps you from arriving at your idea of a destination on time. This week has been a whirlwind for me and truthfully it's broken me until I got to a point of complete apathy. In the end, the person who is going to be there when everyone else leaves, falls asleep, or is done listening in me. And being left alone with my thoughts can be quite threatening. My anxiety this week has been through the roof, to the point where I took a sick day because it was making me throw up. And in the end I realized, I like who I am most days.
I have been living a large majority of my life making other people happy. Ask anyone. My friends, my parents, my significant others. When I made the decision last week to stop doing that, it gave me a lot of backdraft. It was difficult to not back down and give in to the people who wanted things for me that I didn't want for myself. It's hard to see someone hurt and not reach out my arms to soothe them, hard to see someone disagree and not have the insight to explain your point of view, watch someone grieve and understand the idea of doing that, and watch people change and not want to coddle nor save them. I can't say that there's not a big chunk of me that's still laying in my bed in the fetal position (something I did the entire weekend) but then I realized--who are the people who will love me at my worst, when my looks are gone, when my health fails me? Who will love me for being bull headed and anxiety ridden? Who will love me for keeping a job that will smother my soul some days, because 'i know it will get better'?
I don't know what tomorrow will look like, what friends I'll meet and lose along the way, but I know that every single person touches my life and I am eternally grateful for them and their lessons..
"Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger"