Apr 8, 2012

"There is always one addiction that just cannot be controlled"

Jumbled thoughts, needed a place to dump them out:

I hold value to things different than most people I know.  A new song or a good photo can change my day.  I love going to the sleep to the sound of a snoring puppy.   I don't think anything makes a smile sneak across my face like a forehead kiss.  I know that the stress eats at me, but I truly love my work.  I don't think money buys happiness, and I don't care about your 300$ purse.  I probably spent 5$ on mine at a thrift store.   I love color, colorize my closet, coordinate my bedding and furniture.   I try to remember that what others think about me is none of my concern, it's about those who love me for being exactly who I am.  I get nervous when I start to like anyone, usually self sabotaging it by convincing myself that I'm looking for something else.  I think I'm afraid that I'll find someone I get attached to and I'll want them to be the book,and they'll see me only as a chapter.   I can't handle a tough day without hugging my mom.   Good chemistry with someone makes something in me come alive.  I've been told frequently that I'm easy to love, but impossible to be in love with.  I have an irrational fear that that's true.  I miss bubble baths, I swear it can fix my mood.  I am pretty proud of the work I've been doing and think I will rock a bathing suit this year.  I am just not impressed with ham, seriously my  mom makes a killer ham but I just don't like it.   I've started working more diligently to make peace with my past, it's probably intervened with my future more than I'd like to admit.   I constantly remind myself to smile, that I can only do so much in one day-- I'm not good at remembering that I can't fix everyone.   I remain positive because I work hard to keep an eclectic group of friends who are all on their own journey.  I listen to learn their purpose and try to remember that while something to relate to is a nice middle ground, their life and my life are not to be compared for progress-- that's usually what ends up rocking my self-image--the idea of how I'm supposed to end up in the end. 

I listened to this on repeat tonight.  Some songs just let you feel things:

You Are Mine- Mute Math


  1. Dude. That song is incredible, I remember listening to it in the car constantly a couple summers ago. So brilliant

  2. I love how honest this post is. And I'm glad you highlight the things about yourself that are good to balance out the shortcomings we all have and can relate to.