Sunday Morning, Syncronized Thoughts

I try to be a bigger person in a majority of the situations I'm handed, try adamantly not to "throw low blows", even when others would argue that someone "deserve it".  I am not perfect, it's still something I'm working on, but I try to help people.  If I can't help them, I try to at least not hurt them more than the sometimes cruel world already has.  I am trying to be better, trying to put into perspective the importance of a current event in the grand scheme of things.  I don't know why, but I get the impression that when someone has little to live for, they let the little unnecessary things be the big things.  For clarification, when I say "little to live for" I mean they aren't able to look at the bigger picture-there's always ton to live for.  Love seems to do one of two things for people:  (1) cause someone to lose who they are or (2) help them find themselves.  Having said all of that, I want to make clear that I let a certain kind of heartache make me bitter for so long.   It took something from me that I couldn't replace.   I felt as though couldn't get filled up again, lost site of who I was, and lost perspective for other peoples feelings.  You do a lot of ugly things, to yourself and others, when you're lashing out and hurt.  To the friends who dealt with that lost girl, I salute your loyalty.   Being aware of that hurt made me hyper vigilant or something--and in fear of feeling that hurt again or hurting anyone that way, I have spent a lot of years distancing, selling myself short, and denying that craving of truly connecting with someone.  

This week was a learning experience for me--I've learned that sometimes the end is not settling, it's just this open void that you can never seem to fix.  I've learned that if you continue to minimize your want or need for something, it begins to consume you.  I've learned compassion or a need to help can easily be overwhelmed by a need for control.  I've learned that sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes they never ever change.   I don't think I'm capable of hating someone, though at times I think it would be easier.  I am grateful, hate consumes you.  If you think I live blindly in optimism, that's fine.  I would rather that then point fingers and live desperately.  I'm really awful at removing people from my life. I tend to just slink away quietly, a jumble of emotions I rarely say much about.  The loyalty I feel for people and the forgiveness I supply so readily cause me to largely resemble a doormat.  My heart seems to be a revolving door, always making room for you to come back on rotation.  It's because those good things I see in someone are so very special.  I'm a rare breed I guess.

If you had to define yourself in three words, what would you use?

I'd say: introspective, compassionate, worthwhile.