Feb 13, 2012

And tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace

Death does weird things to my brain.  Well, it does weird things to everyone I'm sure.  But it makes me reflect on the kind of person I'm being to people.  It makes me reflect on what's really important.  And it makes me thankful for every blessing, lesson, and moment with that person.

For Trevor, it wasn't about long conversations, no heartfelt gestures.   Instead, he modeled resilience.  Contrary to probable belief, HE made me fall in love with his family.  Unconditional love does something for me.  It reminds me that there is no need to settle on mediocre when great people like this family exist.   I've just recently regained contact with my siblings-- I didn't grow up with any and often their connection to one another puzzled me, and in this case moved me.   I can't imagine the loss that his family is feeling, I can't offer any great words of advice by any means.  I am humbled by his journey, I am invigorated by your love for one another.  Thank you for letting me in, I promise to never forget it.

The journey of life is so confusing.  Sometimes it seems painstakingly long, and other times it's gone in a flash.   I know that I'm often taken advantage of for being too loving, too open, too willing and able to help.  I will take that over the alternative any day.     I don't believe in playing coy with a man.  If he's turned off by my honesty it's far better than him leaving me when I need him most.  I know I can be abrasive, direct, cold.  But I can be warm and inviting and invigorating when given the right ingredients.   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my passions proudly.   All that I know is that we need to cling to those things that make us feel alive, turn our faces toward the sun away from the darkness.

Valentines Day when single is depressing.  (Also, why do you only admire your significant others like this on a holiday created for it?  If they're awesome, I think random acts to remind them of that means more).    Sometimes, when I'm lonely and achy like this I sleep with the lamp on.  I don't know why waking up to that little light is so inspiring.  Maybe when you feel alone like this, it's knowing that little light didn't give up and you shouldn't either.

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