Jan 30, 2012

I have been here many times before

The strangest thing happens to me--or at least I think it's strange, maybe it's normal and I've just never heard that?  When I am stressed and/or in several situations that are emotional, I start to lack emotion.  I seem to just shut off.  I think it's a defense thing, like my brain will process it later when it won't hurt or overwhelm me.  I have always been this way-- I am an expert compartmentilizer.   I think that's an only child thing.  I'm also extremely social but get irritated if someone can't respect my personal space to process things.    This weekend required me to be a lot of different things for a lot of different people.  I love them all and want to make clear that I am happy to be that person for every single one of them, but by Sunday, I mentally shut down.  Having a day like today lets me get wrapped up in my own thoughts (mainly so as not to severely injure some of the incompetent parents I work with--to clarify, I said some not all) and think about all that I've taken in during the last 72 hours....

   I've successfully thrown my second baby shower of all time-- or at least I've considered it successful.  I think I have a great game plan for those things but underestimate how much work goes into the planning and personalization of such things.  Regardless, I'd say it turned out fairly well-- I successfully made some bathwater punch (complete with rubber duckies) and some blue kool aid popcorn centerpieces.  I crafted keepsakes that I put a lot of thought into and organized games as well.

I have successfully recovered from one of the most emotional nights I can recall in a long time.   I appreciate everyones support through a tough Saturday evening.  I respect people's privacy but I will say that I couldn't have handled the alternate outcome.   It's important to not fade out of the lives of people who mean the most to you.

I have finally closed a chapter of my life that has been looming around.  There are only so many times that you can let someone hurt you.  I'm compassionate, not an idiot.

I successfully attended my first bridal show.  It's strange to think that after 20 years of friendship I'm helping my childhood playmate plan her wedding.  Grateful to see her so sure of something, hopeful that the two of them can overcome adversity together and smile in spite of the challenges.

Another note is how strangely separated I can stay from the people so adamant that I should feel something for them but how connected I can be to someone who doesn't put much thought into it and just goes with the flow.  Amandabrain is weird.

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