I'm not really able to write about this how I really want to and make it public, but thing experience has awakened something I've never quite felt before and for the sake of growth, that's always worth writing about. Death in any context is frightening. It rarely makes appointments. I work with a tough population. I've chose that line of work, and I am passionate about it. I am not looking for sympathy, I rarely anticipate someone who doesn't or hasn't worked in a similar line of work offering much empathy. I love what I do, but there are days (or in this case a series of days) that are hard to process. I've always thought that with enough support someones will to die can hopefully be overcome by their will to live, if you help them gain perspective. I know that's somewhat naive but it helps me keep perspective, gives me renewed hope. I'd like to believe that when that idea fails, and someones begging you, pleading for you to believe that life would be better without them-- that's your time to be a light, be strong--tell them when they're feeling lost and weak you'll be there--you see the light in them even when they're sure the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out. Still it doesn't help to hear them say "it's like a bad dream but I'm awake". It is burned in there, knowing that will scar and be a reminder of "something else they've failed at"--even though I'm oh so grateful they did.
I'm only human. And while it's weighing on me now, I am still able to gain perspective and move on from it. I remind myself that things could have been far worse had I not been there. I remember that each person has been through experiences that have altered them and some things change us irreparably. I promise that even when the choices I make for someone make them angry, I will always do what is best to keep them safe. I will take time like this to process. I will hug people who mean the world to me, and I will stop regretting that someone can't see my worth. I am an optimist--even on a bad day I'm looking forward to brighter ones. This may drive someone crazy, might rattle them that I strive for some sort of happiness out of everything-- I have bad days, but dwelling on what breaks you down or breaks your heart doesn't make you any stronger, any better. These last few days were some really bad days, but I know they could have been far worse. You can't save everyone, but you sure can try. I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret many things... at
least I didn't spend a life standing outside, wondering what living would be
like on the inside.