I broke down and thought of that moment and you yesterday, middle of the night, tossing and turning, in all the ways that I said I was done thinking. I was suddenly really in that moment where I felt like I'd lost everything at once. I was in the moment I liked myself least. I try to rewind only months before that moment, the last time I really remember letting someone see me as a whole, and it's hard to get back to that place too. It makes me bitter than this is one of my most recalled memories, angry that I let it take up so much space in my brain. Despite that, I remind myself that allowing that to be ingrained in me means I cared deeply for something, and it's something I shouldn't be sorry for. Remembering that in detail means that I know exactly who I don't want to be. And still feeling angry means I only beat myself up for a minute before remembering that since that infamous moment, I have grown to love who I am, love what I surround myself in, and be more skeptic about the word love. They say passion and satisfaction go hand in hand. I am not cold or numb, I am alive and grateful--and that means I am making good choices in my life. I don't let that day dictate how I live, but rather remind me not to be foolish, not to be helpless. I am proud to say that while I was full of anger, resentment, confusion, and pain--I never let hate take the place of that. That's a cold and dark alley to walk down. I hate it when people say that they have given up on love. And it's always because they think love has hurt them when in actuality, it was a person, it was a thing, a wrong decision, a bad mistake, an accident.
Hanna left me a comment to talk about how dating/matchmaking online used to be such a bizarre thing and now is widely accepted. It's nice to have someone else get my wheels turning for a change. I got my first "cell phone" freshman year of college while working two jobs, and even then my parents thought the concept was stupid. To them, and lots of other people at that point, technology was optional. Now days, though it is optional, it's a dependency, an addiction for all of us. I remember that same year one of our friends brothers openly admitted to meeting his then girlfriend on Myspace (whoa, haven't thought about that site in a long time) and I can remember having a conversation with a group of friends about how unrealistic and bizarre that is. I regret being so critical now, saying "how realistic is that? They'd never even met in person". Truthfully, with all the evil in the world, it is risky. You never can tell who you're talking to-- a cute prospect or a 50something rapist weirdo. On the other hand, maybe it's nice to know that while sites like Facebook supply people with pictures, they don't allow you to judge someone on their mannerisms, they save you from some of the first meeting jitters and really let you get into someones head (if they let you). It's strange to think how widely accepted online sites are now for meeting people. It's weird to think that 6-7 years later, I'm sitting here writing in an online journal (blog), with my own smart phone in front of me and an on-call phone for work. Mind you, I refer to this on-call phone as a "dinosaur" because it's an old LG flip phone, something my dad request as a phone every time.
Lastly, I am writing this for memories sake, so when I reflect I can remember thinking it: I forget how much bitterness can fill a person up, really mess with their logic. I know people sometimes get frustrated instead of stimulated by the differences in people. I know it tires me out to listen to someone not see thing good in a situation for the life of me. I have to remember that who I am and where I have been is entirely different than their journey, and I respect that they're unable to be in the same place I am--that doesn't mean I have to accept their thinking or keep them in my life.
"May the sunlight find your face, even when the rain does fall. And get back on your feet again every time you slip and fall. Keep your heart wide open and always taking in. And even when it's broken, be strong enough to fix it again."
SUCKABAGADICKS
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