Dec 14, 2011

Introspective, Ignited, Personal

I almost feel guilty still to date writing about how the death of someone so awesome inspired me.  It seems unfair that I didn't realize how much he had inspired me until I couldn't tell him, until death made me wake up and say so.   He was the kind of person that, even though I only knew him briefly, nothing in comparison to most, could make you really appreciate things.    I remember listening in church to his father talk about not being absent from your children's life, that they need you.  I remember listening as people talked about how he had touched there life.  I remember holding on to my best friend, numb, brain reeling and thinking I can't ever forget this feeling, I need it to keep me grounded.  And to be honest, I haven't been the same since, and I am thankful daily for that.   Don't settle, don't ever ever settle.   The second you settle for less than you deserve, you're doomed.

11 Days until I hug my best friend, and you don't even know what that means to me.  She's one of the only people in my life who has ever known the good, bad, and ugly and could still sit silently in a room and never think less of me.   She also rarely tries to "fix me" when I am having a moment, but rather listens and reflects what I have said.  Distance doesn't change that, other friendships don't change that.  She is loyal, and steady, and never the same thing twice, all at one time.

Today someone asked me if I think going through rough times is what makes someone introspective (and insinuated I'm introspective).  I think there are those people that are always introspective-- Hanna for example.  I think some of that comes from being an only child, we're intrinsically curious.  We want to learn, touch, taste, discover--even in regards to ourselves.  But more so, I think there is an event, or a series of events, that somehow awakens you, making you more aware of everything.  I think what that event is depends on the person.  For me, it's the day my parents found out about my eating disorder, the month of my moms series of depressive meltdowns after the death of my grandma, and every moment after as I realized if I could be that out of control my own body, I needed to start evaluating who I was.  Probably a little more personal than I would care to be on a public blog, but relevant nevertheless.

I don't think I will ever stop learning about myself.  The journey of life is about creating who I am--not waking up one day and being that person.  A lot of people who I didn't even know read this lately have been commenting privately or publicly.  I am incredibly grateful for their interest.  Means a lot to me.


  1. I have known you a long time and the fact you can openly talk about anything that has happened in your life, negatively or positively, for any and everyone to read, makes you a stronger person that you probably give yourself credit for. I've seen all shades of you and even the darkers colors there's always your smile shining through. There are moments in ones life, like the one you hold onto, that motivates you, sad part is, some people blindly let those moments, people, and things pass them by. This again not only makes you stronger, but now you are smarter for recognizing and holding onto it. Some things in a persons life should always be held close, you have that. This makes you stronger, smarter, and even more beautiful. Nice blog, I enjoy reading your thoughts and life experiences. :)

  2. I'm introspective because my parents are freakishly silent and I had to learn how to sit and a room and not annoy them. lmao

    i love you. you smarty pants