Oct 19, 2011

You think I'm weak, I think you're stupid.

It takes including an element or lacking one usually to put things into perspective for me--and there has been a substantial amount of perspective in my life lately.    I have been comfortable in my own skin long enough to know what often is the speculation about me: I'm too nice.  I put up with too much.  I don't have a backbone.  I forgive too easily.   Speculating is easy.  Living in someones shoes is hard.  Nothing has been more apparent to me this week.  More on me later though.

It's insane how much I speculate for my job and it took a good dose of eating my own words to know that it's easy to misconstrue.    My job is not easy.  I know there are laborers who work harder physically, I'm sure lawyers put in longer hours, but my job requires me to think for 8+ different children's well being, my job requires me to work hard with my head and my heart.  My job doesn't have great benefits, there's no monetary bonus for doing my job better than the average bear (except the raise you're reviewed for of course).   I don't make much at this job, considering the stress level.  What I do get is emotionally rewarding, fulfilling most times.  There are days, like today/yesterday that are heart wrenching.  Not being able to stop to hurt, that's excruciating.  Seeing the pain in a child's eyes, seeing them suffer despite your efforts to better them, that's mind blowing.    I can't say much about work, and I don't often like to because it keeps me sane to separate work and personal when possible, but I will say this: I am able to do what not many people can do for work.  I am able to pick and chose my battles, both professionally and personally.  I understand that standing up for yourself is noble, but being able to bite your tongue and lose a battle that isn't necessary to win, that takes a good person too.

Regarding what I was saying before, about others "speculations" about me... I meant what I said earlier: I have a heart that never hardens, and a tempter that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.   I can't make someone take ownership of their mistakes, or see the hurt from my perspective, but I can take responsibility for my insecurities, my fears, and my inability to trust and commit in instances of the heart.  I have my mothers temper--It's immediate and fierce, but takes very little time to regain perspective and rebound to normal.  I don't hold grudges, but I do eliminate people who are unable to except that each person has gone through something that has changed them, there is no shame in that.   I would love to say I won't take things for granted, but I know that despite my efforts there will be things I take for granted-- but for some perspective I will say this:  I try to maintain relationships in my life (professionally, personally, etc) that allow me to know where I stand-- I'm pretty black and white about what I need--I am easily please, easily fulfilled.  I don't require much of your time.     I just require your consistency, your understanding, and your willingness to accept that there are some parts of me that will always be damaged, and I spent far to long trying to hide and apologize for that.  I'm 25.  I am resilient.  I am not ashamed that I have loved, that I have lost love, and that I to date will continue to resist love.  I know that I have burned bridges, but sometimes that prevents us from going backward down a path we've already visited, long past it's time span in our life. 

For my friends who are celebrating victories in health, creating life, finding love, joining lives, and a skyrocket that is well deserved up the professional ladder-- I am so incredibly proud to have you all in my life.  You're each treasured gifts in my life, and if there's one thing this week has taught me, it's that we often don't tell people that enough.  I love you all, and you're an irreplaceable, valuable part of me.  Each one of you is a delicate puzzle piece that makes me whole.  You help me define who I am and who I am unwilling to be.   If life is but a breath, we had better breathe in deep.

1 comment:

  1. skyyyy rockets in flight...afternooon deliiiight!