Oct 12, 2011

Emotional Balancing Act

There's a lot to be said about pride--it doesn't the strangest things to people.  I suppose it's better to have some because without it do you have much dignity or self respect left anyway?  But it can make people do some really foolish things--including make excuses for their shortcomings and ignore the glaring inconsistencies in a theory.  There's nothing like seeing someone you love get dealt a series of unfortunate cards, standing by fingers crossed that Karma is enough in the end to pan out for them.  There's nothing like your one vice, your one short-coming, your one "untouchable topic" at the end of a long day to make you break down in a way you haven't in  months.  It's the most refreshing feeling to find someone who challenges you, who invigorates you, and who merely wants to exist in your life, not invade it.  It's heart wrenching to have someone who has always given you guidance break down in need of it.   My life lately, in a nut shell, is like the wack-a-mole game-- waiting for new things to pop up that need tackled. 

"We scream our insecurities but mutter our apologies. And that's why this world will always be so wrong"

I tend to pride myself on not being overly cynical about much of anything--I usually am the person that even when I have a bad day (aka last night) I'll promise that tomorrow will be better, and wake up with the intent to make it that way.   I usually am the type someone refers to as a hopeless romantic... but I tend to think that part of me is dwindling.   I have become a cynic about love/marriage/the impending baby boom.  That's not to say that I'm not happy for each and everyone of you--so before you start berating me with anger please hear me out.  Where you're at in your life is what is right for you and part of the complication for me is knowing what is right/next/tangible for me.  5 years ago I was the person who you'd speculate would be married with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.  I'm grateful that didn't pan out because I wouldn't have pursued things that were important to me, wouldn't have discovered myself the way I have now, and wouldn't be as self-motivated.    I'm certain now more than ever that if I find someone I think I can be in a relationship with-- I need to feel free, trusted, respected, and able to leave at any time.  If you cage me in, you'll lose me before you've even really gotten me--because I have layers upon layers to peel back.  I am not looking for someone to grab the moon for me, to buy me jewels or lavish gifts-- I want someone with a hard exterior but a kind soul, a steady hand, a warm touch, and an insane amount of patience.   If he came with 6 pack abs, a brain, and the ability to sing, that wouldn't hurt either.

I think that what they don't tell you about yourself, about love, about life-- is that you have to equally fear the warm and cold parts of your heart-- too much of one or the other leaves you wide open for problems.  Emotional Balancing Act.

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