Aug 3, 2011

But I can't handle it when I turn out my night light

Quick! Think of the thing that is most often said to you when someone gets to know you. I don't mean the superficial 'I like boys and the color pink' layer, but REALLY knows you. The ones who know you're self conscious about your weird toes and that your family is crazy. For me, anyone who knows the ins and outs of me has always said something along the lines of " "You seem so put together". Truth is that within the last year I've really come to terms with what I can and what I cannot deal with. I've become an excellent compartmentalizer (and yes I'm aware that that's not healthy) sectioning off these areas of my life and opening that area when necessary.

Years of experience have taught me to make room for everyone and not chase after anyone whose leaving--even your own shadow leaves you in the dark right? I'm learning though. In particular in the way of dating--something I swore off for a while. Dating someone who deserves you means someone who won't try to change you, but who makes you want to better yourself for the sake of a relationship. He won't subtly pressure you. Won't tell you who you can and can't talk to. He isn't ashamed to show you affection or to tell his friends he wants a quiet night in with you and looks forward to the opportunity to show you off. He will show you that although a lot of people have let you down--he's not in the market for the same fate. And when you really let them in, you'll start to even believe it.

But when night comes and I have that extra time to think, my flawed moments creep in. I'm still skittish, I keep thinking that I don't deserve this happiness--but then I stop and remind myself: I've made mistakes, I've burned bridges, I've done things I'm not proud of--
but lately I've learned that forgiving myself (and forgiving those who I blamed my inability to trust on) is a step in the direction of salvation (aka sanity).

Nothing I did or didn't do yesterday can dictate the happiness I deserve today. I'm shining like it never rains.

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