May 9, 2011

I'm not an open book that you can rifle through

Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry,
Can't get out from under a sky that is falling

Man it's been a while since I have had an opportunity to write! I've been so caught in my own brain and my new job. It's such a dangerous thing to leave me alone that long without putting these thoughts in print. I know exactly the things I need to let out too... so get ready. I'd like to take a second and thank all of my little loves who have been patient in my life as I adjust to the demands of a new job. I know I don't have the time I used to but I love you guys and you're shining lights in my life.

I often refer to myself as a 'commitment phob'. Anyone who knows me knows I am FULLY capable of committing. Today was the first time in a LONG time someone had asked for clarification when I said that. They asked me "as in you don't like it?". And I didn't even have to think when I responded: 'No, like it's bitten me in the ass a lot because I tend to stick with someone through thick or thin and not have that reciprocated. If everyone tends to leave, you
start to not welcome them to stay ya know?'. I push away people that might be worth the leap because I'm afraid I'll want them to stay and accept people who will disappoint me because it's the easiest task to let them go. I guess I'm writing this because I am hoping someone will tell me they've felt that way too, or that they're they same way.

I miss my best friend. The great thing about growing up in a small town together is that even though you're a continent apart, you taught one another about friendship, selflessness, and loyalty. We never gave a second t
hought about if we were rich or poor, if we were clever and witty or saying something completely bizarre (lick the notch on the 4)-- we just enjoy one another. I will never take for granted how rare and untarnished that has remained. Cheesy, I know.

I love the work I do. I liked my old job but had some grumbles about the workings of the agency. I feel like this job is a good fit for me as I continue to explore the unlit corners of foster care. There have been days that I wanted to cry and days that have melted my heart. Hearing a child tell you that they 'wish they were a bird so they could fly away from the stuff that weighs them down' = utterly heartbreaking. Having a 7 year old learn an entire book sounding out even the tough words as they read to you = utterly heart melting.

This is so jumbled haha. Sorry if it's not that fun to read, but what a relief to write. I was thinking of potentially blogging at times regarding a topic. So any ideas would be awesome. xoox.

1 comment:

  1. Glad you got to write down some feelings! And really glad you're liking your new job! That is so important. Being in a job you don't like makes everything about life difficult.