Jan 2, 2011

I'm sitting here in the ash of stupid words I can't take back.

Well, one of my new years resolutions was to be more transparent and quit wearing a million different hats for a million different people in my life.. so why not start here..

I've had a solid 25 years of existence. I guess that I had the idea that older meant more familiar with yourself, more in tune with your decisions but no--lately I've been going around self-sabotaging and quite honestly it took me getting a good dose of my own medicine to realize that I have been living my life the opposite of what I promised myself I would and it'd explain why I feel like I'm spinning my wheels too...

I used to deal terribly with stress. (You're probably reading this and thinking that I still do but) I used to have melt downs not about my own feelings but how my actions effected other people. For those of you who don't know him, my dad is a quiet man. Usually when he talks, you listen because of the minimal times that he requires you to. Once I was in a sobbing heaping mess and I remember telling my dad "I don't know how to begin to come back from this". He turned to me and said something that was exactly how I wanted to live my life "Take a deep breath and picture where you want to be, and if that doesn't work, I'll bring home chocolate". Isn't that so true-- if you can't figure it out I'd be certain one of those three things will help. Smart man, my dad is.

It's a new year, so I suppose that its cliche that I'm reevaluating now, but nevertheless, I am. I've met great people lately who continue to make me smile and laugh and feel light on my feet. I have people in my life sucking the life out of me and what really is important here is that I stop trying to save people who don't want to be saved. I am a good person to have in your life, and I should stop trying to prove that. Lately I feel like more and more people link you into your life if you validate who they are as a person, and how is that friendship anyway?

The bottom line is that I am going to work harder to not make excuses for myself or anyone else. . . It's too messy.

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