Bitter.

"I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream & sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you're suffering & they're not, because they can breathe without feeling guilty & hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it's tongue and nods acceptingly when asked if okay."


I don't like days like today.  The days that make you bitter for the moment, even if they do make you better in the long run.  I hate that I am such an optimistic person that even writing this makes me swallow a lump of guilt for having a day without it.  

Today, I gave up my most loyal companion, my best friend.  Today I was faced with a tough decision about what my heart couldn't handle but what my head knew was better for her.  For those of you who are animal lovers, I'm sure you understand.  Lucy was the most fantastic gift I've ever received  For nearly three dedicated years she's been through thick and thin with me.  When I moved in with Bryan (to an apartment that didn't allow dogs) the plan was for us to relocate in the late spring, early summer to a location that allowed pets so that she could join me.  I made visits to my parents twice a week and my dad was (ridiculously) attached to her.  Yesterday she attacked my moms dog (small, obnoxious Jack Russell) and the circumstances of staying at my parents quickly changed.

Knowing we couldn't afford to relocate right now, my aunt (graciously) assisted me in finding Lucy a home  A home without other dogs. A  home that any dog would be lucky to have.  I know I should feel reassured knowing she's sleeping somewhere warm and safe and provided with love.  I know I shouldn't be crying even writing this because she wouldn't ever hold that against me. But I'm bitter and upset and I hate hate hate this day.