Nov 21, 2010

So many things that I wish you knew, so many walls up you can't break through.

There are parts of all of us we wish we could alter at times, I'm sure. To say that's not true may be a fault in itself. For me, it's this feeling. The best way I can describe it is that I spend so many days faking it til I make it that I run out of steam and get warn out. It dawns on me that certain people and certain situations in my life are only as good as I picture them in my head and it has me choking back tears. . .

Perhaps one of the things I struggle most with in my family is the fact that I am the only one in my family that isn't married or with kids. All of my cousins have kids or are married, all of them. Holidays require a lot of tongue biting sometimes, as everyone joins together to talk about their children, their marriage, and why I have neither one of those things. Sometimes I just feel empty. I'm an only child. I'm single. I know inevitably that one day I will lose my parents and I will truly truly feel alone. That thought makes my breath catch in my throat... It's days like today I actually crave a family. A husband to wake up next to, a child or two to snuggle in bed with cartoons. That happens rarely, as I stay quite focused, but more and more so lately. Today in particular, I could see it in my moms eyes--that dim desire for more from me. More in the way of family. Each breakup is a disappointment to them.

Can I just crawl in my bed for a few days and hibernate? I hate crying, I hate being pessimistic for one second because it's wasting a good opportunity.. but sometimes I just can't shake this empty feeling.

1 comment:

  1. I just want you to know....I plan on being a Golden Girl. I'm not searching for the husband, 2.5 kids and dog named Sparky. But, know this little lady, you gotta spot with me in Miami ANY DAY! I'm pretty sure we could get Hanna in on this shit and rule the world. <3 Can't wait to see your pretty face again. Wanting more is wonderful but know you are an AMAZING person and in time it will all fall into place. I truly believe that.