There are parts of all of us we wish we could alter at times, I'm sure. To say that's not true may be a fault in itself. For me, it's this feeling. The best way I can describe it is that I spend so many days faking it til I make it that I run out of steam and get warn out. It dawns on me that certain people and certain situations in my life are only as good as I picture them in my head and it has me choking back tears. . .
Perhaps one of the things I struggle most with in my family is the fact that I am the only one in my family that isn't married or with kids. All of my cousins have kids or are married, all of them. Holidays require a lot of tongue biting sometimes, as everyone joins together to talk about their children, their marriage, and why I have neither one of those things. Sometimes I just feel empty. I'm an only child. I'm single. I know inevitably that one day I will lose my parents and I will truly truly feel alone. That thought makes my breath catch in my throat... It's days like today I actually crave a family. A husband to wake up next to, a child or two to snuggle in bed with cartoons. That happens rarely, as I stay quite focused, but more and more so lately. Today in particular, I could see it in my moms eyes--that dim desire for more from me. More in the way of family. Each breakup is a disappointment to them.
Can I just crawl in my bed for a few days and hibernate? I hate crying, I hate being pessimistic for one second because it's wasting a good opportunity.. but sometimes I just can't shake this empty feeling.