Nov 4, 2010

The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

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Today was one of those days.. where you stay wrapped comfortably up in your own head, thinking about the "what ifs" and "if I could only be". My alarm went off this morning, and I snoozed a few minutes to let the heat stay on my joints for a few more minutes. The cold makes it so painful to get up in the morning. . . I think the dog appreciated the heating blanket more than my joints ever will though since she crawled underneath it.

Have you ever been so twisted around in your own head that you can't even tell up from down? If there's one thing I can say I am lately, it's twisted around. I have no idea what I want out of life at this particular moment from the bottom to the top. I don't want ordinary any more. I am a settler. I settle for second best, settle for almost good enough, just settle. While there will always be compromise and give and take, if we're always settling for ordinary, we'll never get extraordinary. And man does it hurt when you take a leap and land promptly on your tush, but I guess it's better than thinking about leaping but never doing it...

I tell people in my life frequently that I don't want to get married, that marriage freaks me out. It's insanely true that marriage freaks me out, but deep down I know that it's what I'd need to really feel complete. Still in the back of my head it resonates that I don't think its possible for someone to love me forever. I don't even like myself every day, just most days. I want the kind of spark that 20 years from now you still feel enchanted when your eyes lock...And even when I thought I had the love that lasted forever, the kind that I could feel in my toes, it changed. I watch people who have loved one another for 10 or 20 years calling it quits and think that maybe love never really lasts?

1 comment:

  1. we'd better both have hope Neilbaby, cause you know the same things happen to us at the same time so the only way we're gonna get married is if the other does lol :)

    i want to hug you. always. and i love you every single goddamn day whether you like yourself that day or not. OUR love will never ever end, so there must be someone else that will want to do that too, right?