The end and the beginning

It's been a really long time since I wrote in here-- at least in terms of 'keeping up with my pregnancy'.  I had such good intentions for it, but I quickly realized that everyone has an opinion about pregnancy and for some people they're very insistent that their way is the best way.   That was a really hard thing for me and I quickly opted to take this very personal experience back down a notch and share the very basics about my pregnancy, mainly a few visual pictures and ultrasounds.    It sort of made me a bit resentful the way people can't give some sound advice without accepting it's not for everyone.  For those of you who were supportive and accepting, thank you for that and please don't feel that's at all about you.

Since writing last, for those of you who I don't see often or haven't caught up with, we found a house that I fell madly in love with and opted to move at 9 months pregnant.  It's old, it has quirks, and most of all it is a place I am excited to expand our family (by one).  I know that resulted in me being even more exhausted and with even less time but I'm not living my life for me right now, I'm building a life for my family.  I can tell you one thing, you find out who your friends are when you're growing a human.   I mean I know people complain about hormones, but I sort of think they also give you a good sense of clarity.

I've got this great man I'm building my life with-- and when I think about all the loss I've had recently, I'm glad that he met and was accepted by both Linds and Jess.  It gives me this peace of mind knowing that they met and approved of someone who loves me so greatly.  I can't wait to see him become a dad and embrace all the things having a son will mean.  He truly is the most compassionate, thoughtful, educated man.  I don't say enough how lucky I am-- so here you go social media... he makes me swoon 2+ years later, when I feel my most 'unpretty' 9 months pregnant.  Never ever does a day pass where he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful.  Everyone deserves a love like this.

 I know the coming weeks and months will be emotional.  I will have this little human who depends on me for everything.  I will need to find a balance of what I'm willing to share on social media.  It scares me lately how many people get absorbed on sites 'sharing' their child instead of 'living' their life.  Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine the pride I will feel or photos I will want to share but I hope I am reminded daily to be in the moment with him.  Social Media is sometimes a blessing and a curse I suppose.

I know that the beginning of pregnancy was rough for me... in fact I admittedly hated it.  But until the last week or two, I could have stayed pregnant for a good length of time... Pregnancy 'looked good on me' people said.  My joints aren't fairing so well toward the end here, and I recently had a scare that made me ready to hold him where I can snuggle him and see he's safe.  I plan to write sporadically about the terrifying, overwhelming, heart bursting love that having a little human brings along.

And lastly... pregnancy photos for those of you who asked...

A small tribute to you, Jessi Noelle.

Yesterday was a wonderful testament of your life.   It's always been that I'm a good writer, and you're a good speaker and together we weighed one another out for things.  It should come as no surprise to you then, my dear, that I sat there absorbing those words about you like a sponge.  Graham wrote something so lovely that I doubt there was a dry eye in the room, and your family shared memories of you as a child that I couldn't help but laugh about.  Sitting there in a room full of people, it really brought to life how incredible you were.  You touched each persons life in a way that made them feel special and thus made you unforgettable.  It baffled me how many groups of people gathered, some overlapping, but most just respecting that we all loved you, we all missed you, and we all wanted to celebrate your life. 

I really miss you.   I sat with Dr. Carney, Bryan, and Kayla and we had lots of laughs about undergrad.  I laughed so hard when your mom told me that she found a half eaten sandwich from our road trip when we returned her car (So sorry!!).  That was such a great, freeing trip for both of us.  Bad break ups, victories, moves, loss, and love.  We always got to share those things.  The beauty of being an adult is although things get busy and we didn't see each other as often as we liked, we knew to call in the middle of the night we would find the same solace and compassion.   I won't ever forget that kind of love and acceptance.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for so many of us.  Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, the highs and the lows.  You're forever my wonderwall. . . . RIP sweet girl

Ps.  Can't ever hear this song and not think of you!

Six Months

I've had more trouble writing about this whole thing than I thought I would.  Pregnancy makes everyone hormonal--but when you think of pregnancy hormones you usually think 'crying over sad puppy commercials'.  That is not me as a pregnant person.   I go from fairly typical to raging bitch.  Sorry if that offends you but it is the most genuine way to put it.  Pregnancy hormones make me angry...easily...over things that don't matter.  The good news is in true hormonal fashion, I'm usually over it in 5 minutes... but MAN if Bryan isn't a saint for dealing with it, I don't know who is.   This is a man who shakes his head while I'm melting down about baby registries and loves me even when my nose is so stuffy I'm drooling Niagara Falls onto his arm in my sleep.  He makes me laugh every day and doesn't let a single day go by without feeling my belly, telling me I'm beautiful, and unintentionally reminding me of why I am madly, passionately in love with him.

Aside from the emotional roller coaster, pregnancy has been so much better lately.  I have energy and feel better.  I didn't even realize that I was six months pregnant until the other day when my app needed updating so I finally opened it.  We get to see the baby on Friday and (ideally) eliminate a lot of nerves that I've had since the last ultrasound at 18 weeks when the doctor found choroid plexus cysts on the babies brain.  It was the same day we celebrated finding out the babies gender, and something I chose not to say much about because talking about it makes me more anxious and my doctor keeps reassuring me that it's fairly common and usually gone by 25 weeks.  The last thing this worrier needs is any more anxiety.  I feel all these little kicks, which reminds me that this is reality (as if the strange stomach protruding more and more daily and overactive bladder could let me forget).

One last thing, in case anyone who reads this has had body image issues, which in my case stems from an eating disorder. . . Pregnancy is a hard concept for the 'average' person. (Whatever average even is anymore?)  And everyone is different, but for me it has been a very very very strange and emotional adjustment.  I worked very hard to build up my image of myself and I know growing a human alters your body, I know I look normal, I know I am healthy but there are still days where taking a picture of my body .. and looking at it ... is hard.  And please don't take that as me not being excited, I am overjoyed.  However, you have to know that body image issues are deep rooted pieces of evil that climb into your head.  Long story short, if you are similar to me or can learn anything from me, it's this... It's okay.  You're okay.  You're beautiful.  This process, and eventually your baby, will be beautiful.  I think everyone needs to hear that sometimes.


Ps.  There are a few of you from out of state in particular who asked to have me send registry informatin early... here are the links...

AMAZON: http://www.amazon.com/registry/baby/6J7FNIBPF80G

and WALMART: https://www.walmart.com/giftregistry/gr_detail.do?registryId=80541054152

For the rest of you I will include it when we get baby shower invites out next month (WHOA!!)

16 Weeks.

Must. Update. Blog. More...

Time passes much more quickly now that I don't measure days by how many I could get out of bed.  I have had some migraines the last few weeks that have really crippled me, but I have also had some days where I resume having energy long enough to do laundry or put on a full face of makeup and that is an accomplishment!  Migraines are the devil right?  I haven't had ones like this since I was in my teens but the doctor said that increased hormones will do that and hopefully it slacks off between weeks 18 and 20.

 I have struggled lately with my body changing shape.  I've had body image issues my whole life, so this isn't a surprise to anyone I'm sure.  I'm just looking forward to the day when it's evident this is a baby bump and not an awkward beer gut. It doesn't help to yell at me, or tell me things like how grateful I should be--but that doesn't deter people anyway.  I am thankful for a man that loves me no matter how terrible I feel about my quickly altering body shape.  I am thankful for friends who are excited to see and rub my belly and encourage some extra eating, as I've also struggled with that.

Bryan and I have been sharing in so much excitement with one another as we share ideas about nurseries (okay, that excitement is all me...Bryan is starting to give some input though), firm up our two name choices (hooray!), and read each week about meatballs growth and size (avocado this week!).  I have found that with increased emotions comes more realization that people weren't ever who you thought they were.   All I know is that there's this little life growing in me and I will be very choosy about who gets to be a part of that.  I can't wait to hold this little baby and sing to it and tell it about what a handsome, supportive, loving daddy they have!

We go Friday for a check up and to schedule the ultrasound to find out the gender!  I feel like I waited so long for that to get here, but it's honestly been no time at all.

Love you guys.  I'll work on more updates now that I can start to wrangle my emotions again.  Some people just have a way of really makin' ya feel low, ya know?

Goodbye 1st Trimester, Words on Criticism, and Life Including Zofran (Hallelujah!).

I've never been too huge on the opinion of people who I barely know.  To be clear, I have the personality type that likes a lot of opinions, ultimately making my own decision but liking the large opinion base anyway (if given in a way that I find receivable).  I never really thought much about that until someone told me that I don't seem like the kind of person who cares much about what someones opinion is of me.  That statement made me feel like I have grown more than I realized.  I guess we are all young and impressionable but I was like jello.  No backbone, no strict opinions, and a variety of friend groups I fit into (even though I did stick to my main group).


Having said that...

People have been downright rude to me thus far in my pregnancy, and I have never been more nervous of retaliation from people in my life.  Even writing this, a blog I promised myself to try to periodically update because pregnancy is a huge unexpected magical gift to me, gives me anxiety because people have been so critical.  Pregnancy has not been nice to me.  It has not been rainbows.  I do not feel like I can take on the world.  You would think that wouldn't be such a bad thing to admit, but at 14 weeks pregnant, I have been sick close to the entire time (since finding out I was pregnant).   At first, I though I was just not handling 'morning sickness' well and needed to find a good balance, a good food to start keeping things down, good sleeping routine, etc.  Now that I've been getting some support from some fantastic moms I am friends with or have become more acquainted with, I can tell you what I've experienced wasn't just morning sickness.  And the comments I've gotten helped me figure that out pretty quickly...

Yes I'm 'still sick'.  Yes I'm sure.  Thank you for telling me I look awful.  Yes I have tried ginger ale and crackers.  Thank you for telling me I am taking it worse than (insert your female family member here) and you thought she took it pretty bad.  I'm sorry I'm not able to suck this up, even though you know lots of girls who can.  Yes, I do know I'm being 'overly' cautious.  Yes I did talk to my doctor to be sure the medication she prescribed me is safe.  Yes it is necessary.  Yes I'm sure.  By the way that med is the ONLY reason I've stopped losing weight and gained some semblance of a normal life back.

We come from a society where you're supposed to fit into this box of normalcy.  I haven't enjoyed my pregnancy thus far. There. I said it. And while I am confident that the 2nd trimester I'm now into will be better to me, I shouldn't have to feel ashamed when someone asks me how I like it so far and I don't have this 'rainbows and sunshine' response.  Do not get what I'm saying confused.  I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive.  I knew going into this my pregnancy would be unusual.  I also know there are people dying to experience this who never can and I am not taking a day of this for granted, good and bad.  It will be worth it.  But  sometimes it seems unnecessary to be as critical as we are.  Your whole body is changing, hormones included, and when you mix in perpetual flu-like symptoms, dehydration, weight loss, and this overwhelming fatigue--it takes a toll on your system.   That's not meant to gain sympathy.  I said I knew it would be an adventure--just maybe some empathy.  A minute to realize that no two people are the same and some people never get sick at all during their pregnancy-- but for myself and a few other gals that is not the case.

I want to be clear that I cannot wait to find out the gender, to decorate, to celebrate this little life growing in my belly.  I can't wait to start a family with Bryan.  He is the most creative, fun-loving person I have ever met and he will make such a great dad that I can't even write this without tears coming to my eyes.   Our little meatball will have a beautiful life and these past 3 months will be just a little blurb in a blog before I know it--but it needs to be out there because I need to remember that its okay to not be the same as everyone else.